Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Working through feelings

This last two and a half months have been a bit tumultuous to say the least.  I've been in conflict with my Parents now for about a year and a bit. I don't like it but I am here because I am finally standing up for myself and my family.

The hardest part of it all is they don't understand any of it. They think that my husband is controlling me, that he is saying everything and that I am just this weak person that is being manipulated. What has really happened is that my husband has shown me unconditional love and support to stand up and say what it is I've wanted to say for a long time to them.

It hurts.

I've begun to go no contact with them over the last two months, first they told me to grow up when I expressed some very raw emotions and anger, then nothing. Every now and then they would send a text that had NO relevance to my issues, which hurt even more. Basically what I felt was that if  I left and never spoke to them again, that was fine.  I felt invisible and belittled.

Recently they send a parcel to which I returned without opening because when there are much bigger issues at hand, sending stuff as love is not the answer.

This act of standing up of course caused and uproar. So once again, I opened up, I explained my feelings, my anger, my issues. They changed the topic, pointed fingers and blamed me again for these problems.

I feel like I jumped right back into that hole. I know what I did, I know how to get out of the hole. I need to pick another street to walk down.

I understand that they are only loving me the best way they know how, and that I cannot expect them to provide love in a capacity that is not available to them. I also understand that they do not think they are doing anything wrong or hurting anyone. Which also means they do not wish to evaluate their behaviors or change in any way.

That being said, then I am the one who needs to change, and I am the one who has that capacity. I have learned more about myself and have gained more self love. With this self love, I can no longer continue to have the same relationship with them as I did before.

Everyone should be free to be respected, loved with out conditions and to have the right to set boundaries as they wish.

I'm not asking much from them. I don't want conditions on our relationship. I want to be respected as an adult and have my husband respected. I want them to love and trust that the choices I am making for myself and my family are my own and that I am smart enough to make my own educated choices. I want them to contact us and plan to come see us. I want them to hear me when I say I'm hurt or angry. I want to rationally discuss those feeling.

this is more of a therapeutic writing as I am not sure if anyone will even read it.

my daughter is napping, the house is silent. I have a few moments to my thoughts.
thanks for listening.