Monday, September 27, 2010


Today I am again very grateful for the opportunities which have been brought to me! I made the choice to end some relationships and mend others and I am very thankful for how they have fallen away and fit back in, I had created a very messy situation and I am very very thankful for how it all came together.

I have learnt my lesson with this, I am changing, I will continue to change, I will continue to learn. This has been a huge lesson for me and I am going to take from these lessons and change from them.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

picking up the pieces

This is my blog, I have created this to be able to write out what needs to be said.

I have created some things in my life that I am not proud of right now. I have created false beliefs in others and myself. I have created a relationship with people that I do not want to be in. I have created a lot of pain for myself and others. I am so sorry.

I want to change, I can change. I want to create meaningful relationships with people and I do not want to hurt them. Today I had to end a relationship that I have been feeding into for a while now, I have gone back and forth with it a couple of times. I ended up making some bad decisions based on a false belief and now have to deal with the consequences. I have not been fair to this person in continuing to be with them now, when I do not want to step into the reality that is later. I had to end this today and they do not understand, they do not understand because I have been feeding into it and creating.

I am sorry.

I have a huge opportunity in my life right now to make some big changes for myself and my future, It has come to head that I have to change my ways because what I have been doing does not and will not continue to work if I want what I want.

I will not cry over this, I have some friendships to fade, some to mend. I am not proud of some of the things I have done, but what I need to do is not try to wallow in my sorrows and play the victim, I need have the strength to deal with the consequences and move forward in my life, and learn from where I have been.

Friday, September 24, 2010

Lots in the works!

So!!!! In the last couple of days, maybe a week things have been stirring up in my world, the change in my life has been coming for a while and I know I was afraid of what to do next, its amazing when you work under someone if you don't know who you are for sure or know that your amazing that person that your working for can have amazing power over you, the thing I am grateful for is, once you realize they don't have that power any longer how quickly things can change and where the courage, strength and confidence comes from knowing that you can.

I have stepped into the light, I gave my two weeks notice at my job and I am done at the end of the month. I am currently still looking for a job position that is right for me, I want to work in a design firm, I want to learn different aspects of design, commercial, retail, promotion design, I am also interested in things like fabric and textiles. In the past two weeks I have met all types of people, designers, architects, furniture designers, real estate agents, I have been interested in parts of what they all do.

I am in the works of designing my way. My way to incorporate all those amazing things that excite me into what I will be doing.

I have also been promoting my photography, this is something that REALLY excited about! I want to sell my work as custom canvas sizes. I want them to hang in high end homes, and be seen all over the place, I want to use them for promotions and advertising! I have had a couple of people inquire about them and am in the works of a couple of sales!!!

I went to and event last night and re-connected with a bunch of my network and relationships in the design world. I'm not going to say much more on this but the updates are coming!!

MMMMMWAH so grateful for this experience thank you Universe!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Changing one step at a time

This past weekend has been so great, so many amazing things have been happening. Its like once I decided that I have the permission to change and do better, it came flooding in. I am so thankful for having this experience and so very excited for whats coming!

This next two weeks will be big for me, it is like the end of my year and next year starts after my birthday. I need to take action today! I will not play small for the universe, I am bigger than that! Times up, today I grow the balls and take the big step to changing my life for the better, why wait!

Will keep you posted ;)

Friday, September 17, 2010

Great day!

Today I had such a good day, I had good food, good feelings, I accomplished so much just knowing that I am making the changes!!! I am so thank full for this experience and that I am going through it now!

Today's Dr Wayne Dyer quote is -
"without exception, begin every day of your life with an expression of gratitude. As you look in the mirror, say, "Thank You, God, for life, for my body, for my family and loved ones, for this day and for the opportunity to be of service. Thank You, Thank You, Thank You!""

Love it!

must be in the stars

I am so excited, I had one of the best life coach sessions last night, Next week we get to move forward!! YES For the last 6 months I have been coming to this very point in my life coach and then I would turn back, this time no... I say F*ck it,,, we is moving forward !!!! I want so much more out of life, and out of myself, I am willing to do whatever it takes to make the changes I need.

So today I am changing my posts a bit, I would like to make sure that what I am typing and thinking on my posts have positive and inspirational roots, because I want to change the thoughts to those of positive change and inspiration. No longer to dwell.

I am going to start with my big dreams, When Jade and I did this process the first time, she told me to think bigger than I ever had, think as if money was no object and that anything in the world was possible ( all true ) what would I really Really want... then imagine the details of these dreams...

I will have a part time condo in New York, something I could go to when I wanted to be there, I can already see the view out my window, I am overlooking a park.

I will have my photography and art displayed in my gallery, big pieces on the walls, brick and rough exposed beams, polished concrete floors, big windows.

I will be running my business, based on the principles of sustainable design, amazing clients.

I will be on TV and in magazines. I am leaving a lot of the details of this one up to the universe, there are so many possibilities to get here.

I art, designs and photography will seen by many.

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

wow,,, anger over.

So its like I have been pushing on a door my whole life,, push push, trying different ways, different styles, push push... guess what its a freaking pull door! I just need to pull the door open. There will be (as I suspected in a previous post) many changes to come.

I need to just man up and do the things I need to. Done, quit making excuses and distractions. Times up.

on a side note, I have been taking new dance classes, OMG love them, I started taking pole dance classes YES love love. Such hard work to be honest.

Monday, September 13, 2010


I have been twitching out A LOT!!.. And I am angry. And the things that are bugging me about other people (key to what is bugging me) is that people are not getting the simplest things. And they are expecting others to do the work to deal with their stuff. AHHHHHHH

Just be me.. I'm unconfortable. I'm unknown, I'm a mess, I'm disorganized

I am angry with myself, I am mad that I have let my life get here, I am mad that I have wasted 6 months on avoiding me. I am mad that I have all of this uncomfortable energy and I don't know what I am supposed to do with it.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

you really have to WANT it!

Sooo there will be some changes for me coming, big changes, but as I am learning today you really have to want it. I am sore from training, I am tired from taking on lots of over time work from Maison (the company I am currently working for) and I now need to work on my personal updates, blog, portfolio, photography pages, resume. I am searching in my spirit for the inspiration and energy to get these things done. What my first instinct to do would be, go home put my feet up and have a glass of wine, its not going to move me forward though, and I have promised myself to do that tomorrow. So for today..... keep my chin up, my pencil down and go. I can go home in 3hours.

Friday, September 10, 2010

inspiration, fear, uncomfortable, wasted energy

I last posted about limiting beliefs, what timing! I posted that I have a belief that I cannot commit, this is true. Why can't I commit, because I don't believe in myself that I will be able to do it. Self love.

This is what my journal says from last night. This is the list of things I need to do.

This is not task list that needs to be completed but these are things that will help me get to loving myself enough to know that I am capable of greatness.

-start saying no to you and YES to me.
-take more solitude time.
-sort out what it is that I really want, and really what is important to me, removing the emotion while doing this.
-ask for help
- meditate, practice prayer, put my trust in a higher power
- slow down
-surround myself with things and people that solidify the truth of self love. If I continue to surround myself with un-organization, uninspired people, indecisiveness, and low confidence then that's what I will become, and have become.
- allow me to just be me. As pointed out to me yesterday, I have taken the course and received a certificate to say I can be the Designer I am. I need to do the same for me.
- have faith that once I begin this journey to greatness that the universe will provide me with what and who I need at that time.
- trust that what come is there because I want it and that's why I have created it.
- I am the creator
- know that I am worth fighting for
- be the best I can be, and do everything in my power and awareness to create better

This is my list, not yours. This is my truths and I am going to strive to be in the 3% of greatness. I am scared Shitless, but I don't want to be in this false reality anymore.

A great mentor says, "Average people like being average because nobody bothers them"

I am putting this in my blog as a reminder for me, and to share with those who understand, if you want to tell me, don't be so hard on yourself, or you are an amazing person, don't worry. Don't. Please. I do not need to hear that.

This is only the beginning.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Limiting Beliefs

The only limits we have are the ones we place on ourselfs.

When there is something that you think, I cannot do, I don't know how... these are core beliefs that we have placed on ourselfs. It isn't something we do intentionally, or that we may even be aware of, but the reality is once we are aware that we have these we can question what our beliefs are and get past them if we are willing.

I don't think I can commit to a realtionship...
I don't know how to let people in....
I don't know how to go in, and discover more about me....
I can't run...
I can't lift that....
I can't keep going...
I can't save money...

These are some of mine and some that I have already got past. The thing is we create everything twice, first in thought then in action, so if even at the base thoughts of our creations, we are doubting ourselfs, how on earth are we supposed to get to the action part if we are shutting ourselfs down before we even do.

I have been thinking about this... my big one that I realized yesterday was I was telling myself the top 3,

I I don't think I can commit to a relationship...
I don't know how to let people in....
I don't know how to go in, and discover more about me....

Once I wrote these down I started to ask... is this true, is this what I truley believe, am I able to influance and create the new thought. YES YES YES because we are the creators.

Of course I can commit to be in a relationship... I have before.. I am more aware now, the same things that happened before cannot happen again unless I let them. I am able to commit to other things, I have committed to myself for the last 2 years to get fit and healthy, I have committed and completed my schooling.

I don't know how to let people in, that's just silly, of course I can let people in. That's what rich relationships with friends and family is. I already have that, but the fact that I was telling myself that I didn't know how has put a brick wall between myself and those rich relationships because I PUT IT THERE.

I don't know how to go in, and discover more about me.... this isn't true.. nor is it serving me, I have done the worst thing, I have placed that same brick wall up for my self. How can you place a wall somewhere that doesn't exist. How do I not let myself in to myself... that's like how do I get in the car that I am already sitting in? Well you cant because your already there.

Look at where I am now - I have moved to Vancouver by myself, I have completed and excelled at my design schooling, I have acquired many skills in design and building, and am working at a company for 3 years now in design, with TWO design awards... and loosing 30 pounds, running a 10k and 5k race....

WHAT AM I HOLDING BACK FOR? If I achieved all of this in 5 years, without being at the level of awareness I am now... I ask myself truly, what am I capable of at this level of awareness!

Monday, September 6, 2010


So this long weekend has been a good one, I have been working on what I posted about last, Intention. What is the energy I am putting behind what I say and do and think. I had not been in contact with Chad for most of the summer, and I had gone on a couple of dates with other people. I came to the realization that these other people I had been meeting just were not doing it for me. Once you learn something its amazing because you cannot un-learn it. Chad and I have a unexplainable connection... its sick. right from the first time we talked and more so the first time we met.

So when I started to meet other people and this connection just was NOT there, I started to think about Chad again. Really looking at what I wanted. I started to talk to him again on the phone, and on Friday we met.. its taken me a bit to get there, I realized that if I am going to put ANY energy into a relationship with anyone, it will be with the person I really like and have this connection with. Its been an amazing weekend. I am so much more relaxed this time, as my good friends would say HOLLA, TRUST, SNAP!

It really does NOT matter what others have to say about what I do, or what I feel what they think of me .. I have to follow what I want. No exceptions.

Friday, September 3, 2010

Lesson one

So for the first time in two weeks I am actually up early-er-ish.... I am normally up at 5 or 5.30 and reading and doing all sorts of things. As I have talked about before I have been really tired the last while. I finally don't have a headache this morning either, I did get a neck and shoulder massage from a friend so that's part of it, I also changed my alarm clock on my phone to a new song, I found this one that seemed nice last night, bit of a hard rock type Pantera, Metallica maybe a little... well I'm AWAKE... it went off this morning, my gawd... I may or may not keep this, pro - it wakes me up con - little extreeeeeeem maybe.

So last night was life coach night,, of course I was a total mess again, I have been so busy this week and doing extra hours with photo shoots and a job isn't going as planned and the clients are coming home today and bla bla bla STRESS.. the reality is I don't have a stress management plan

We got right into it last night, I have been learning lots and attempting to apply these new habits to my life and for the most part there are some things that are making an impact but really I don't seem to be getting it.... I was interpreting the word Intention in the wrong way, I had the wrong paradigm as to what and why we have intention.

In my book it talks about your paradigms being like maps to a city.. you may have a great map of Chicago lots of detail and you really know it and can navigate perfectly... but if your in Dallas and your reading your Chicago map.... your going nowhere.

The interpretation of what and why we do things are our paradigms our maps I was interpreting Intention as make a plan and do it... get the book read the book make the notes DONE. Make the lunch the night before, have more time. done. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Yes I know shocking right, I also thought that was correct.

Jade explained Intention with the right words and the right description for me to understand clearer...

Intention - the meaning and energy behind something. The question behind Intention is what experience do you want to create?

For example why do am I getting up in the morning and writing my my blog? - cause it gets my thoughts out no. Because when I write out what I am thinking and share it, I connect with it better, and this makes me feel good, it releases stress and clears my thoughts. I also feel good knowing that by sharing my blog here, someone might read it and it will make a difference in their life.

We talked about using the right words to describe things and it really makes a difference in what words you use... Its the Second Agreement - Be Impeccable with your word - The Four Agreements Don Miguel Ruiz.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

slow down and breath

I have a pattern that I am working on breaking, I go really fast with everything... everything and it is not serving me. Yesterday while training Jade told me to slow down... like S L O W D O W N............. of course this was great, I got more out of the 20 ab reps in that moment than the last week of ab work. I was able to focus on what I was doing and really reap the benefits of the ab work. HELLO why would I not do that with EVERYTHING in my life... slow down and focus....

Professional athletes do what they do so well because they slow down during their practice and focus on every moment allowing their minds to connect to the actions. This practice allows for calm breathing and focused thoughts, so when in the middle of a race or game their thoughts are 100% clear and focused to make spit second decisions to succeed.

I was practicing this morning, with even just my body brushing before my shower and how I had my shower this morning. It really helped me relax for my day.

I think it really hit home yesterday with the ab exercise because I don't think I realized how much I needed to slooooooooooow down..