Tuesday, April 9, 2019

Working through feelings

This last two and a half months have been a bit tumultuous to say the least.  I've been in conflict with my Parents now for about a year and a bit. I don't like it but I am here because I am finally standing up for myself and my family.

The hardest part of it all is they don't understand any of it. They think that my husband is controlling me, that he is saying everything and that I am just this weak person that is being manipulated. What has really happened is that my husband has shown me unconditional love and support to stand up and say what it is I've wanted to say for a long time to them.

It hurts.

I've begun to go no contact with them over the last two months, first they told me to grow up when I expressed some very raw emotions and anger, then nothing. Every now and then they would send a text that had NO relevance to my issues, which hurt even more. Basically what I felt was that if  I left and never spoke to them again, that was fine.  I felt invisible and belittled.

Recently they send a parcel to which I returned without opening because when there are much bigger issues at hand, sending stuff as love is not the answer.

This act of standing up of course caused and uproar. So once again, I opened up, I explained my feelings, my anger, my issues. They changed the topic, pointed fingers and blamed me again for these problems.

I feel like I jumped right back into that hole. I know what I did, I know how to get out of the hole. I need to pick another street to walk down.

I understand that they are only loving me the best way they know how, and that I cannot expect them to provide love in a capacity that is not available to them. I also understand that they do not think they are doing anything wrong or hurting anyone. Which also means they do not wish to evaluate their behaviors or change in any way.

That being said, then I am the one who needs to change, and I am the one who has that capacity. I have learned more about myself and have gained more self love. With this self love, I can no longer continue to have the same relationship with them as I did before.

Everyone should be free to be respected, loved with out conditions and to have the right to set boundaries as they wish.

I'm not asking much from them. I don't want conditions on our relationship. I want to be respected as an adult and have my husband respected. I want them to love and trust that the choices I am making for myself and my family are my own and that I am smart enough to make my own educated choices. I want them to contact us and plan to come see us. I want them to hear me when I say I'm hurt or angry. I want to rationally discuss those feeling.

this is more of a therapeutic writing as I am not sure if anyone will even read it.

my daughter is napping, the house is silent. I have a few moments to my thoughts.
thanks for listening.

Friday, January 11, 2019

Hello 2019!!!

So much went on in 2018, moved (yet AGAIN) I think this moving from town to town is similar to me trying to find my husband. Try a little here, NOPE, try a little there, NOPE, Oh there you are. Geeze

Anyhow, were in our new town now with our little girl. BTW she's amazing. I could go on for HOURS about her but this Blog isn't called - telling you about my baby girl-

This is Enlightenment, love and creative being.

Yesterday I had a shifting moment, I did my regular morning thing, being inert at the moment, watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing for my soul, (seems I shifted into a bit of a comfy spot) I had a small spark of inspiration, I am not sure where it came from, the icky feeling from eating caramel sauce directly from the jar the previous day or just an angelic nudge. But I had the idea that I needed to get back to the gym. Now in my experiences in life I had a family who didn't do the gym, don't get me wrong they were damn hard workers but not fitness type. We didn't hike or ski growing up despite the face we lived in an incredible outdoorsy town.  No my parents fitness was the work that needed to be done on the property, gardening, firewood, mowing and raking the grass, raking leaves, cleaning the house, building this or that. I admire their work but it didn't teach me fitness. In fact I remember in high school I got into liking track and some of the workouts that were required of me in gym class. I started doing sit ups in my room upstairs, this made the slightest creak in the floor, needless to say I was told to stop doing whatever I was up to because I was annoying and when I confessed it was sit ups I was told I didn't need to do that so stop.

I did end up going and working with a personal trainer while living in Vancouver and fell in love with the weights, I worked hard and then stopped. I believe I stopped essentially because I was still judging myself for doing so. That familiar voice of, stop it, you don't need it or you shouldn't do that, was still ringing in my head. I spent tons of money on wasted gym memberships over the years, I'd get inspired then sign up, then go, then stop or convince myself that it was too hard, too expensive too everything essentially just repeating that negativity in my head.

And then there was yesterday. I got the inspiration again, mentioned it to my husband and his initial tone was that of a frustrated partner who had seen me on this endless loop for years, but then his tone changed. He was supportive, as always and encouraged me.

Ha ha fooled him, I didn't need anyone to doubt me my self doubt came rushing in - before I even got out the door! By the time he walked through the door I had completed 5 conversations with him and myself in my head about the entire thing. I was in tears and sniffling like a injured child.

After many more tears and dancing around the topic he finally said to me, "So what is this, if you don't have someone giving you the abuse, you figure hey I'll do it to myself COME ON!" he was right. I felt I didn't deserve to feel good about myself I didn't deserve to have that small amount of money spent on me and something I really really wanted.

I was so use to that voice in my head that when it didn't come fast enough I created a new voice one that was meaner and louder. What was I doing?

I gave my head a serious shake and had a talk with my husband. We discussed how I had slipped back into the inert, low self of steam person I was years ago. I had stopped doing the things I loved because of my own abusive limiting beliefs.  And there it was LIMITING BELIEFS once that phrase slipped out of my mouth it clicked. I was limiting my self based on what I believed I was worth, what I LET stay in my head. I LET my self believe I wasn't going to succeed. I LET my self believe that I was wasting money.

This entire charade was not of anyone else's doing, it was me. Because of that, I was the ONLY person who could change that thought, that feeling, that belief. SHIFT

I did end up going to the gym yesterday, I did a workout, and I did buy a membership. I am not going to assume it will be easy to maintain but I am going to continue to remind myself that only I can make those choices and only I can change that voice in my head. So I'll keep the blog updated with the fitness progress and like every fitness journey, the emotional and mental journey that inevitably come with it.

stay strong lovely people! You're the only ones that can changes something in your life