Hello 2019!!!

So much went on in 2018, moved (yet AGAIN) I think this moving from town to town is similar to me trying to find my husband. Try a little here, NOPE, try a little there, NOPE, Oh there you are. Geeze

Anyhow, were in our new town now with our little girl. BTW she's amazing. I could go on for HOURS about her but this Blog isn't called - telling you about my baby girl-

This is Enlightenment, love and creative being.

Yesterday I had a shifting moment, I did my regular morning thing, being inert at the moment, watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing for my soul, (seems I shifted into a bit of a comfy spot) I had a small spark of inspiration, I am not sure where it came from, the icky feeling from eating caramel sauce directly from the jar the previous day or just an angelic nudge. But I had the idea that I needed to get back to the gym. Now in my experiences in life I had a family who didn't do the gym, don't get me wrong they were damn hard workers but not fitness type. We didn't hike or ski growing up despite the face we lived in an incredible outdoorsy town.  No my parents fitness was the work that needed to be done on the property, gardening, firewood, mowing and raking the grass, raking leaves, cleaning the house, building this or that. I admire their work but it didn't teach me fitness. In fact I remember in high school I got into liking track and some of the workouts that were required of me in gym class. I started doing sit ups in my room upstairs, this made the slightest creak in the floor, needless to say I was told to stop doing whatever I was up to because I was annoying and when I confessed it was sit ups I was told I didn't need to do that so stop.

I did end up going and working with a personal trainer while living in Vancouver and fell in love with the weights, I worked hard and then stopped. I believe I stopped essentially because I was still judging myself for doing so. That familiar voice of, stop it, you don't need it or you shouldn't do that, was still ringing in my head. I spent tons of money on wasted gym memberships over the years, I'd get inspired then sign up, then go, then stop or convince myself that it was too hard, too expensive too everything essentially just repeating that negativity in my head.

And then there was yesterday. I got the inspiration again, mentioned it to my husband and his initial tone was that of a frustrated partner who had seen me on this endless loop for years, but then his tone changed. He was supportive, as always and encouraged me.

Ha ha fooled him, I didn't need anyone to doubt me my self doubt came rushing in - before I even got out the door! By the time he walked through the door I had completed 5 conversations with him and myself in my head about the entire thing. I was in tears and sniffling like a injured child.

After many more tears and dancing around the topic he finally said to me, "So what is this, if you don't have someone giving you the abuse, you figure hey I'll do it to myself COME ON!" he was right. I felt I didn't deserve to feel good about myself I didn't deserve to have that small amount of money spent on me and something I really really wanted.

I was so use to that voice in my head that when it didn't come fast enough I created a new voice one that was meaner and louder. What was I doing?

I gave my head a serious shake and had a talk with my husband. We discussed how I had slipped back into the inert, low self of steam person I was years ago. I had stopped doing the things I loved because of my own abusive limiting beliefs.  And there it was LIMITING BELIEFS once that phrase slipped out of my mouth it clicked. I was limiting my self based on what I believed I was worth, what I LET stay in my head. I LET my self believe I wasn't going to succeed. I LET my self believe that I was wasting money.

This entire charade was not of anyone else's doing, it was me. Because of that, I was the ONLY person who could change that thought, that feeling, that belief. SHIFT

I did end up going to the gym yesterday, I did a workout, and I did buy a membership. I am not going to assume it will be easy to maintain but I am going to continue to remind myself that only I can make those choices and only I can change that voice in my head. So I'll keep the blog updated with the fitness progress and like every fitness journey, the emotional and mental journey that inevitably come with it.

stay strong lovely people! You're the only ones that can changes something in your life
Rebecca

Detach from Drama

Oh boy, I am doing my best to detach from drama. There is a work related situation that I am trying to keep non biased about. I need to detach myself from the situation and provide understanding and empathy with, but instead my feelings are so strong that I keep letting it get to me.

I am letting it go with the sedona method. I can let this go I will let this go. The tension it's creating in my body is still there but I am actively working to release it.

Maybe some yoga..

Deep breathing...

Grounding.

I am abundance, I am abundance, I am I am I am able to let it go, I am able to let it go, I am letting it go, I am letting it go, I am letting it go, I am free from drama, I am free from drama, I am free from drama..

Life supports me in every possible way
My income is constantly increasing
I now free myself from destructive fears and doubts
Everyday I am getting closer to my goals. The universe has my back and it supporting me every step of the way
My body takes me everywhere easily and effortlessly
Wellness is the natural state of my body
My heart is open. I speak with loving words
I now choose to release all drama, hurt and resentment
I am grateful for my healthy body. I love life
All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. My intuition is always on my side
I am an open channel for creative ideas
I love every cell of my body
Abundance flows freely through me.

Breathe.

Release.

I am grateful for my health
I am grateful for my husband
I am grateful for my job
I am grateful for my family
I am grateful for the sun
I am grateful for the rain
I am grateful for my creativity
I am grateful for my healing
I am grateful for my income
I am grateful for my past
I am grateful for my tribe
I am love
I am love
I am love
I am love
I am light
I am light
I am light
I am light
I have more money coming in than going out
I have more money coming in than going out
I am abundance
I am abundance

I am
I am
I am.


R

Why moving forward can be so Damn hard

So I thought I would share my personal experience with this. Why moving forward is so Damn hard. I believe that in our subconscious mind we are very smart, and we remember things much clearer than our conscious mind can at times. Our subconscious mind also tries to protect us, it steers us away from challenges, and difficult decisions because it likes to be comfortable.  The main problem with this is that moving forward isn't easy. That is why most people stay put, don't change and don't dive into the conscious mind.

Well I have gone there before, I have dove head first into deep deep conscious mind waters and got it in my nose and ears and splashed and felt like I was drowning. But the more I explored the more I understood. I took on learning about awareness like a sponge and all a while I was working very hard on my personal fitness. If you refer back a couple years in this blog you will see these very lovely photos of me, looking very fit.  Well the reality is I stopped. Someone got into my thoughts and I put them on a pedestal, I was convinced the only reason I could have gotten to my fitness goals was because of them. And once I made a few changes in my life and that person left I quit. I pretended to continue but what I was really doing was getting comfortable, because without that person, why try. I had given all the credit to them.

Now being aware and being comfortable is a funny thing, because I can talk the talk all over talk town but I sure as hell wasn't walking any walk. I was simply spewing my to-date knowledge to others who were just a few steps behind me. And the control part of me was just fine with that, Keep a few steps ahead of everyone else and you'll be fine. Well the problem with this was I got lazy and complacent and I stopped doing any of the work and I regurgitated all the past books and re-read them thinking and fooling myself into thinking I was moving forward.

But then, I was invited to an online book club. And I thought SURE it's time, I could use a new book or four.  So I started reading again, NEW information, NEW learning moving forward in my thinking. Typically for me when this happens I move forward in my physical fitness as well. Now remember that for about 6 years I really haven't dove back into these waters. I had a boo boo and I covered it up with a big O'l band aid and I got comfortable and my subconscious mind liked that it kept me there for 6 years.  I aslo stayed in that place becuase I gave away my credit. But Reading this new book I was reminded that It was me who did all the work the first time and I can do it again.

So here I am reading something that is pushing my comfort zone, and I like it, so I start to do mini workouts again. Except now because I am exercising my brain and consciousness a bit more I decide I am going to push a bit harder in my workout. Perfect, Yesterday 15 quick min of weights, I come downstairs I shower and I'm talking to my fiance and I cry, randomly, I cry about something ridiculous.  It only lasts a few min the its gone. So today I work, I come home, I workout, I push a bit harder again, because it feels good. ALL A WHILE THINKING ABOUT LETTING GO and opeing my heart. I push. I complete 20 min of weights and core, I come down stairs still super wound up, I had an abundance of energy after work and after my workout but not positive energy, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION its half the reason I pusher harder again today. So I go to shower and I start to cry, and my chest is tight and my muscles feel tight. I finished my shower with bloodshot cried eyes and I go to my fiance, ONE hug and I'm DONE. I cried for at least half and hour. Just sitting in the kitchen tears streaming down my face while watching Phil chop veggies.

And this is exactly what this post is all about.

I haven't been couch lazing and avoiding workouts because the workouts are hard. NO NO NO NO NO,... My subconscious mind KNEW this was all going to begin again. For me I release stagnant energy and energy blockages and SHIT by crying, It is just what my body knows to do with it. No I was avoiding working out because the AFTER IS HARD. Did you know emotion is stored in cells, YES so when you workout for the first times and work hard, those cells are going to change and fat cells are going to leave your body and your going to loose weight but those emotions that energy isn't going to leave with the fat cells, not it needs to leave your body it's OWN way, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, all of it. is going to come out. THAT is why moving forward is do damn hard. Because our cells change when we work on our conscious minds and our physical bodies.

Most people get into awareness books and start physical fitness and then REALIZE all your SHIT is going to come up and release and it sucks its hard its overwhelming. And a lot of people quit at that point, they think that diving into the conscious mind or the physical fitness of our temple bodies is easy. it will be bliss full and enlightening.
OH it is.
LATER.
after the work is done.
But the work is hard.

So from now until I work through it all I accept that every night after my workout, I'll cry my eyes out, I'll curl up in a ball and weep. Then when those emotions are gone, I might experience anger or frustration until that too is gone. But I'm IN all IN.  Bring on the tears

R

Knowing Where you Stand.

It is amazing how hurtful and ultimately liberating it is to find out where you stand with people

Maya Angelou and Oprah said

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
~Maya Angelou

"Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.” ~ Oprah Winfrey.

It is so true, But it isn't always easy to believe, especially if you're like me and you want to believe people are good. You want to believe that someone couldn't possibly be that cruel towards another person.  But they can be, and unfortunately THOSE people, those ones you hope are just having a bad day when they shit on you, Can be your friends your family, your in laws or someone very close to you.  Let me enlighten you.  They are not always having a bad day, some people are just cruel. And you know what, you are a great person, and didn't deserve any sort of shit treatment.  

This experience has recently happened to me, by both my to be mother in law and sister in law.  They both had sharp snake tongues, which I didn't deserve and I held my tongue. I played the higher ground and I kept my cool, for my Man.  And I have done this for 5 years because I though just maybe they were having bad days.  NOPE,  straight up mean.  

So now, after their most recent performances of true colors, I fully understand, they slipped up you see. They actually showed me what they truly thought of m. I don't believe they intended to, most of these type of people intend to, but every now and then they get cocky and let their EGO get in the way and they slip up.  

But as I said at the very beginning of this post, it is oddly liberating that this has happened. Because now I KNOW where I stand and what they truly think of me.  I don't have to try ANYMORE for them to like me, or accept me, I know now this may never happen. SO now I get to be ME!

I have bitten my tongue and kept my words in my stomach all these times and now I don't have to.

I can assure you, next time these people think they can treat me like shit, they are going to get a rude awaking, Because they are going to see I don't care what they think of me any more, I don't need their approval, 

I am proud of myself for figureing this out, sure it took me this long, but I got there. I hope anyone who reads this will also have a liberating moment when they too realize it doesn't matter what others think of you.

It matters what you think of you. And if you have your integrity, and you can stand up for yourself, even eventually, your a better person than them.  My mother always said to me. "Would you ever, ever do something to someone that they just did or said to you?" My response would always be NO

"then your already a better person"

Sending Love Light and Joy !!

A fresh start, from my perspective

This week signifies a fresh start for me, at least I think so. This past few months have probably been the most difficult that I have ever had to work through. I feel like I have come through the mud and put down the weight of the worlds worries and said that is it.

(this is my meditation Buddha, He is happy)

I am going to start off by saying 

I am so very grateful for having been through it, I have learnt about myself and others. I feel gratitude towards the universe for providing for me when I didn't know how I was going to make it.

I was on medical EI for the past 3 months and was off sick for the 2 months before that, basically since Feb I have not worked, at a job that is. I have worked very hard on myself though. I was in deep deep depression and was past my limit of stress. For the first two months I just slept, bathed, ate, slept repeat, at least 3-4 times a day.

But with plenty of rest, love and support, counselling, writing in a journal, some exercise, meditation and a strong personal Will to heal, I have come through.

For the last month and a half I have been feeling normal ish again, no deep sinking feeling, less anxiety, head above water type of feeling.

In the last two weeks I have been feeling great, each day is brighter and even if I do get low or feel overwhelmed or anxious I can manage those feelings now.

Now for the exciting part, as of Monday June 17th I will be starting my Interior Design business. I have made the decision that working for another company is not for me and I am going to pursue my dream of doing Interior Design as my own company.

I will be updating more often as I find writing out in a blog to an audience that may not even be there is soothing for me.

You get what you think about

"You get what you think about whether you want it or not! So be careful about what you think about."

This is why my calender said yesterday, My Dr. Wayne Dyer calender. I am definitely experiencing this right now, in both professional and personal parts of my life. Personally I need to remember this during the course of my day, remember not to get caught up in the whoop la of other peoples problems or gossip. And to remember that the body heals itself when you let it.

I took a few moments yesterday morning to just sit quietly and breath, five or six deep breaths with my eyes closed just focusing on my inner being. Feeling my toes, my legs, my fingers my heart. Feeling the oxygen go into all my cells, when I opened my eyes again I felt happy and calm, I was starting to get twitchy and speedy and I needed to stop for just a second. Sometimes we all get caught up in our heads thinking about the future the what ifs and really we just need to be present. Being present doesn't mean no thoughts and no planning it means be in that moment while it is happening. There are times in the day for future thoughts, and planning, journal time for example is a great to plan and dream.

If anything that is the best lesson I have taken away from all the coaching and training I have done over the past years, take the time to just stop, breath, focus and start again.

A pattern in my postings

I posted the other day about a couple things and this morning I was checking my stats, I really enjoy checking to see where in the world people are reading my blog, it is very cool to see Russia and all sorts of places show up on my stats. As I was checking I saw that this past week one post in particular was being read. It was one I did a few years back just after I changed jobs and such. So then I started to read more of my blog, I noticed that I tend to blog in January, March, July, September, October November and December. My biggest month for posting is September.

This makes sense though, My birthday is the end of September and right around middle of August and right though until after my birthday my my body and mind tends to give me little signals, time to change beck, time to look at the bigger picture here!

I really see my Birthday as a start to my new year. This year I get to start again BIG it is a milestone birthday a new decade. It is funny though because when I mention it too people that I will be 30 this year, the people older than me tell me its great (which is what I am thinking) and people younger some seem to be afraid. One of my childhood friends and I chatted since our birthdays are a day apart, I was saying too her I am excited to start fresh I am in a great place in my life and I feel it can only get better, she as scared and didn't seem to be happy about turning 30. It got me to wonder, does she feel like this because she is not happy with where she is in her life? Did she not accomplish what she had set out too do by this time? Or is she not happy because she doesn't know herself and is only basing her life and where she is on the views of society and where it thinks she should be by now?

For me, yeah I am happy with where I am at right now, I have the love of my life, Phil, I have a great job and promising career, (yeah I thought I would be running my own design firm by now but there seems to be another plan at hand for me and I am okay with that) I am not in the physical condition I thought I would be in considering my previous experience with my personal trainer a couple years back but whatever I am doing something about it now. I have a new trainer and he will help me get back on my feet. There will always be things in life to work on and improve, if we are not constantly tyring to improve and move forward than we are standing still waiting for life playing a victim.

R

Getting back to the core

So for the past while I have been lacking on the fitness and journaling and reading... really on all of it. Turns out I need those things. I have recently got back into getting into the gym but I am finding that my excesses get in the way of actually getting there sometimes. It comes in waves, I will be really ambitious for about two too three weeks then I stop for a while then back then stop. I ave finally swallowed the big pride pill and contacted a personal trainer again. I really feel that without the kick of the professional I am not really doing myself much good. So I am giving myself a second chance, a chance to get back to my goal weight with a trainer then maintenance. I would like to be a bit more responsible and independent this time with the training though. I want too meet with someone once or twice a month to check in on my success, push me a bit harder and move forward.


It really took a lot this morning to send the email to the trainer, I actually wrote the email then deleted it because a voice in my head (clearly not the good one) said "who are you to ask for help when before you had help and couldn't maintain where she got you?" And I started to doubt myself, I thought your right who am I to go to a trainer and say, I've done this before and I failed what trainer is going to help me then? Then after about 10 min of doubt and self pity I realized the voice who said that is not me, I can ask for help all I want, in fact why not, I clearly need help and I think I am stronger now to admit I need the training help than to continue beating myself up every time I don't train. At least If I am working with a trainer I have someone to go to when I am having trouble pushing myself. No one said I have to accomplish everything on my own. That is selfish and not in the good way.

Some people need help stopping habits, I need help to start them!

The World lost an Amazing Man and Nobody knew.

I just received an email from one of my regular subscriptions and I was sad to find out Dr. Stephen R Covey Passed away this week on July 16th. He was 80 years old and wrote many of my favorite and inspirational books. This man changed so many lives and the media only wants to talk about snookie and who looked better on the red carpet.

Being AWESOME!!

It has been a GREAT DAY!!!!! My Boyfriend (more serious than that he is my MAN life partner mastermind alliance) anyhow, My man just finished his schooling for Baking and he has been getting opportunities thrown at him today it is great SO PROUD. Aside from that the sun was shining and things are just looking really good for us right now. Which brings me to my post title, being AWESOME, I was reminded today again how important it is to have a partner that is right for you, Phil and I are without a doubt meant to be together, our core beliefs about a partnership and careers are very similar. We are equals in our partnership, all responsibilities are shared, money earned is ours and our careers are our own, we have a like for each others friends but in only some cases are we friends with each others friends. We support each other in what we strive for.

It makes for a much easier life having a partner who will support you in your life personally and professionally For example Phil is a baker, this calls for graveyard or early morning work hours, I am an interior designer and this calls for long hours some times and travel. We work with these realities.

It reminds me a book I really love and we both follow to our best ability - the four agreements

1.Be impeccable with your word
2.Never assume
3.Don't take it personally
4.Always do your best

It works - be AWESOME with everything you do, be awesome in your relationships be awesome with your self be awesome in your career - Trust.

Taking care of your body

Last week at work I was helping a co-worker install a small sample sink in an island and I twisted my back, I didn't think it was too bad at first but as the day progresses it got worse, I ended up calling my Chiropractor (I have been going for years and let me tell you it helps) and getting an emergency appointment. She worked on me for about 10 min (long for chiro) and I was off, let me tell you, it HURT for the night, very very swollen back and sharp pains, the next day I stayed home from work to avoid any situations where I may re-injure myself (smart) and within two days I have made full recovery. I have another co-worker who has hurt her back two weeks ago, never sourced any chiropractor or Registered massage therapist and she is still taking high powered pain killers, my point, these people are here to help us. Use them.

I hear a lot about ohh bone crackers and massage doesn't work. Yes it does, the other thing that helps, exercises and stretching daily. I may not exercises daily right now, or even weekly at this moment but I stretch daily. I keeps our body's in shape so that when accidents do happen we can bounce right back. Now on the chiro bit, I have learnt a lot from my Chiropractor she makes sure to teach you why chiro works so well in the first place, well.. sorry to side step here, but apparently the information about chiro and subluxations are very controversial and not all chiropractors believe in it... mmm this may have to take some research and I will get back to you.

Life, fitness, bob loblaw update

Funny that I should write this post today, I just read my friends Magda's and hers was all about how she hates Yoga.  I was just about to update how I have been doing Hot Yoga once a week and how much I love it. My fitness regime has picked up for sure, I am doing twice a week at the Gym anywhere from 30-45 min. I think in the last year I have been telling myself that I didn't have enough time, but the reality is there is enough time, 30-45 mins is better than 0 min. I am really enjoying the challenge again. I do have to say though that having had a personal trainer before has its benefits.  I can hear her in my head when doing my workouts pushing me to do another set, another push up 5 more, 1 more min. I wouldn't mind doing some more work with her once the opportunity arises. It would just be nice at least once a month to learn some new stuff.

Otherwise I am learning lots still at my job, It is definitely different than doing Design full time. I get to leave work at work. I was doing some design on the side, in the Mandarin community with a Design friend of mine. That is a line you must be careful with, working with friends and making friends at work and especially with bosses. Joy and I work well together we have an understanding. When it comes to business and issues, it is business, no personal allowed. I am currently dealing with a situation where in business an associate of Joy's is trying to pass the buck, place blame on everyone else, dodge her responsibilities. As a designer and strong personality I am not allowing it. She was emailing and phoning me to get my help to clean up her mess. I am not her babysitter so I am simply standing back.

Anyhow, this is sort of a random post.. lil of this lil of that. I will write again soon

B

WOW

Wow is all i have to say, here I thought there were only Two people who ever saw my blog, ever. I didn't know there was a stats button on here and just found out that people all over the world are checking my personal blog THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU. There is nothing more inspiring than knowing people are reading and checking updates.

I have been working on a lot of things, on is my other blog, I am an Interior designer by trade and have decided along with my personal blog I would love to share my design knowledge with the world.

http://bxdesignandphotography.blogspot.com

is my other site.

On my personal note, I have been getting back into Hot Yoga, what an amazing exercises. They heat the room up to something like 40 degrees and then you stretch for an hour or hour and a half. It really feels good for me, I have intentions of getting back into running ( I have taken a bit of a break in the fitness department) and am finding that Hot Yoga is a great way for me to begin, lots of leg strength and lots of core work.

I will keep this blog up to date as well now, keep reading