Hello 2019!!!

So much went on in 2018, moved (yet AGAIN) I think this moving from town to town is similar to me trying to find my husband. Try a little here, NOPE, try a little there, NOPE, Oh there you are. Geeze

Anyhow, were in our new town now with our little girl. BTW she's amazing. I could go on for HOURS about her but this Blog isn't called - telling you about my baby girl-

This is Enlightenment, love and creative being.

Yesterday I had a shifting moment, I did my regular morning thing, being inert at the moment, watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing for my soul, (seems I shifted into a bit of a comfy spot) I had a small spark of inspiration, I am not sure where it came from, the icky feeling from eating caramel sauce directly from the jar the previous day or just an angelic nudge. But I had the idea that I needed to get back to the gym. Now in my experiences in life I had a family who didn't do the gym, don't get me wrong they were damn hard workers but not fitness type. We didn't hike or ski growing up despite the face we lived in an incredible outdoorsy town.  No my parents fitness was the work that needed to be done on the property, gardening, firewood, mowing and raking the grass, raking leaves, cleaning the house, building this or that. I admire their work but it didn't teach me fitness. In fact I remember in high school I got into liking track and some of the workouts that were required of me in gym class. I started doing sit ups in my room upstairs, this made the slightest creak in the floor, needless to say I was told to stop doing whatever I was up to because I was annoying and when I confessed it was sit ups I was told I didn't need to do that so stop.

I did end up going and working with a personal trainer while living in Vancouver and fell in love with the weights, I worked hard and then stopped. I believe I stopped essentially because I was still judging myself for doing so. That familiar voice of, stop it, you don't need it or you shouldn't do that, was still ringing in my head. I spent tons of money on wasted gym memberships over the years, I'd get inspired then sign up, then go, then stop or convince myself that it was too hard, too expensive too everything essentially just repeating that negativity in my head.

And then there was yesterday. I got the inspiration again, mentioned it to my husband and his initial tone was that of a frustrated partner who had seen me on this endless loop for years, but then his tone changed. He was supportive, as always and encouraged me.

Ha ha fooled him, I didn't need anyone to doubt me my self doubt came rushing in - before I even got out the door! By the time he walked through the door I had completed 5 conversations with him and myself in my head about the entire thing. I was in tears and sniffling like a injured child.

After many more tears and dancing around the topic he finally said to me, "So what is this, if you don't have someone giving you the abuse, you figure hey I'll do it to myself COME ON!" he was right. I felt I didn't deserve to feel good about myself I didn't deserve to have that small amount of money spent on me and something I really really wanted.

I was so use to that voice in my head that when it didn't come fast enough I created a new voice one that was meaner and louder. What was I doing?

I gave my head a serious shake and had a talk with my husband. We discussed how I had slipped back into the inert, low self of steam person I was years ago. I had stopped doing the things I loved because of my own abusive limiting beliefs.  And there it was LIMITING BELIEFS once that phrase slipped out of my mouth it clicked. I was limiting my self based on what I believed I was worth, what I LET stay in my head. I LET my self believe I wasn't going to succeed. I LET my self believe that I was wasting money.

This entire charade was not of anyone else's doing, it was me. Because of that, I was the ONLY person who could change that thought, that feeling, that belief. SHIFT

I did end up going to the gym yesterday, I did a workout, and I did buy a membership. I am not going to assume it will be easy to maintain but I am going to continue to remind myself that only I can make those choices and only I can change that voice in my head. So I'll keep the blog updated with the fitness progress and like every fitness journey, the emotional and mental journey that inevitably come with it.

stay strong lovely people! You're the only ones that can changes something in your life
Rebecca

To speak up or not

Hi,  So I have had a couple of new experiences these past few days, and it has posed as question - to speak up or not? Maybe you get what i'm saying. Your friend is going through something, and instinctively you can tell, but they haven't said anything to you yet, so do you ask? do you drop hints? or do you leave it alone?

I've never been one to just ignore that a friend or family member is going through something. I feel it is part of why I am empathetic, is to be able to be there or help someone. Good or bad. But some might say it is just my ego saying hey get in there.

I don't think it is.

I've had two experiences in the last 24hrs that as they are both different I feel I acted the same. One being a family member that my gut says is in a situation where they may be caught up in some shiny stuff and not acknowledging their full feelings. And another where a dear friend needed someone to understand them but never reached out because they've felt like they were wrong for feeling the way they did.

So in the first instance with family, I didn't necessarily ask if they were sure about their situation, I implied it by stating that I was happy they were sure because when people are not sure *gut sure* things can go badly. I told a story about a personal experience where a couple of my friends thought they were sure about their to be long term commitments but in their gut was the tiny spark of doubt because small things were going on that could have been see as signs. I told how those people when they didn't listen or pay attention to those signs the ended up leaving those situations. I never once said that is whats going to happen to her, I simply said, I am happy you're sure, because I've seen what can happen when people are not. She took this story telling as me being negative towards her situation. Where she said she's happy and sure about her commitments.  She interpreted my sharing of other peoples story as an offence and began defending her situation. I think personally, if you're that sure about what you're doing, and the choices you've made, then a story of other people not working out shouldn't offend you.  I think I was correct to speak up. I don't think she thought so, but this would not be the first time someone didn't like my message.

On the second experience, My dear friend has gone though a tough divorce, there was not a lot of friendliness in it at all. There is also a child involved. She was telling me all about how unfortunately her ex husband has now developed a serious illness in the midst of their divorce and she had concern for his well being. I told her it was completely okay to be concerned and to put all the negativity behind them to focus on supporting family.  This surprised her. She shared that being kind in this situation was something she really wanted but felt she couldn't because everyone around her things she should still be angry. She started to open up about how deep down inside she thought she might still love him as a friend and missed that he was her best friend for so long. I encouraged her to tell him that. Again she was surprised I said that. "BEX thank you so much for saying that, you're the first person that made me feel it was okay" "Of Course it's okay to love him and miss him. Love is the strongest energy in the world and he's still your family. Why keep fighting when you don't even want to anymore. Why not be open and honest and tell him you love him and you miss your friendship!!, He is going through medical problems right now, love and friendship is going to help everyone a lot more right now, a lot more than anger and resentment." Plus, your kid can learn kindness, forgiveness and love from this situation!"

I think this was the first time in a long time she cried. She cried relief that this might work out okay, she cried because I was the first and only person who told her it was okay to have the feelings she did. She is a love and kindness person and the anger and resentment of her divorce wore so harsh on her she hatted the whole experience. So I suggested to do it her way, because just maybe he missed his best friend too, and just maybe in this tough time for him, he needed her. In this situation, again I am glad I spoke up, I feel it gave my friend a voice that she didn't think she could have.

So what are your experiences? Have you ever thought I should have said something but felt it wasn't okay to speak your mind? Have you ever held conviction that what you said was exactly as it should be, regardless of consequences?  In both these instances I have done exactly this before with each of them, the difference is one thinks I should mind my own business and one trusts that as a friend I am always going to tell her the truth and that I always have her best interest in mind. So who is right?

R