Thursday, December 15, 2016

Finding Balance

Hey there, So today I want to share with you about my struggle with balance in my life.

I am a Libra, the scales, this unfortunately does not mean always balanced, in fact it means a constant struggle for balance. Always checking and tipping the scales to see what works and what doesn't.

One of the things I constantly struggle to balance is my fitness and exercise health. For years I didn't even do anything, then I started working out around 2007 off and on at the gym, do a 6 week program then nothing for 4 months, then another 3 weeks then nothing.  Around 2008 mid year I really committed and took on a trainer and personal coach. Some of my posts around then will share experiences from then.  In 2010 I started some more transitions in my life, I met my love, I started changing due to stress from work and trying to find balance in my life again now that is was not just about me.

Fast forward to 2016 and once again I try to find balance. Having gone through a major depression, 5 moves and 3 jobs in the last  years, now settled in a town I love with a job I love and an amazing group of women who support each other and we are here. The beginning of this year I had some motivation to work out but still not what I used to have.  I started doing some more reading this year, body talk sessions, journaling and overall soul searching.  I started a 21 day workout program 6 days ago yay! 6 days in! Knowing my previous patterns of extremes and swinging the pendulum too far left and right all these year I think I may have found a balance.

For me finding time to work out was difficult because I was trying to fit fitness into my life now how I used to fit it in before. Before when I lived in a great city, when I was single, when I was in my 20's when I was a different version of myself.  Now I have to admit I have learned something from just writing this post, what used to work for me in the past, doesn't necessarily mean it is going to work for me NOW.  Now I am in a wonderful relationship, and Im in a small *currently freezing* town where outdoor running in December is, well, silly. And where my days are shorter in sunlight and longer in freedom.

So I took some time and dug deep to see why I wanted to work out? Did I even like it? What type of workouts do I REALLY enjoy? Then I had a look at my day, I used to work out in the evenings and it worked really well for me. Get off work, head to the gym for an hour or more and be home for 8,9, 10 pm to pass out on my bed after a less than nutritional meal. So I have had to analyze my life now,  My evenings are no longer a efficient or stress free time to work out, I get home at 4pm and My fiancé and I spend the little time we have together in a day enjoying each other company.  Now sure He has offered to make all dinners, and support me and sacrifice that time together for my personal health but I don't WANT to. I like getting home and having a glass of wine and discussing my day. I love it.

SO next option, Mornings. UUUUGH I have a routine in the mornings, I get up I make coffee and I don't talk to anyone for at least 2 hours. 1 of those full hours is coffee. The second is shower, dress, and eat. Phil and I car share so when he arrives it's go time. I can't be fa la la ing around in the morning. I have my routine and I like it.  Evenings after Phil goes to bed was off too because I'm tired by then and really who wants to workout AFTER dinner. BOO

This was the struggle I was having. I tried after work, Nope, the stress of thinking about my workday while lifting was not working. Mornings, rolling out of bed and starting a workout within minuets of opening my eyes HELL NO. That only worked for a total of three weeks then back to wake, coffee.

My struggle wasn't about if I liked working out. I do. Feels great, at the right time. It was about finding the right ME time. When nothing else is pressing me for my attention, when I have sufficiently treated myself to something I love and when I actually have the spunk to do the workouts

I have been trying this routine with my new 21 day plan. I wake up 35 min earlier. The extra 5 is for the snooze button. I get up I have coffee, YAY my favourite part. Then around 6:20am when I am sufficiently caffeinated and awake, I put on my workout gear, grab my water and head upstairs to my home gym.  I do 30 mins working out. I shower eat and by then It is 7:50am and I am in the car.

I feel this one is going to work because all I have to adjust is going to bed about 30 min earlier (no prob whole house is asleep anyhow) and getting up 35 min earlier. I still get coffee, and quite time but I also get my sweat on.

Lets see if this works long term. I have faith.

Nothing works unless you work it.

Thursday, November 24, 2016

Why moving forward can be so Damn hard

So I thought I would share my personal experience with this. Why moving forward is so Damn hard. I believe that in our subconscious mind we are very smart, and we remember things much clearer than our conscious mind can at times. Our subconscious mind also tries to protect us, it steers us away from challenges, and difficult decisions because it likes to be comfortable.  The main problem with this is that moving forward isn't easy. That is why most people stay put, don't change and don't dive into the conscious mind.

Well I have gone there before, I have dove head first into deep deep conscious mind waters and got it in my nose and ears and splashed and felt like I was drowning. But the more I explored the more I understood. I took on learning about awareness like a sponge and all a while I was working very hard on my personal fitness. If you refer back a couple years in this blog you will see these very lovely photos of me, looking very fit.  Well the reality is I stopped. Someone got into my thoughts and I put them on a pedestal, I was convinced the only reason I could have gotten to my fitness goals was because of them. And once I made a few changes in my life and that person left I quit. I pretended to continue but what I was really doing was getting comfortable, because without that person, why try. I had given all the credit to them.

Now being aware and being comfortable is a funny thing, because I can talk the talk all over talk town but I sure as hell wasn't walking any walk. I was simply spewing my to-date knowledge to others who were just a few steps behind me. And the control part of me was just fine with that, Keep a few steps ahead of everyone else and you'll be fine. Well the problem with this was I got lazy and complacent and I stopped doing any of the work and I regurgitated all the past books and re-read them thinking and fooling myself into thinking I was moving forward.

But then, I was invited to an online book club. And I thought SURE it's time, I could use a new book or four.  So I started reading again, NEW information, NEW learning moving forward in my thinking. Typically for me when this happens I move forward in my physical fitness as well. Now remember that for about 6 years I really haven't dove back into these waters. I had a boo boo and I covered it up with a big O'l band aid and I got comfortable and my subconscious mind liked that it kept me there for 6 years.  I aslo stayed in that place becuase I gave away my credit. But Reading this new book I was reminded that It was me who did all the work the first time and I can do it again.

So here I am reading something that is pushing my comfort zone, and I like it, so I start to do mini workouts again. Except now because I am exercising my brain and consciousness a bit more I decide I am going to push a bit harder in my workout. Perfect, Yesterday 15 quick min of weights, I come downstairs I shower and I'm talking to my fiance and I cry, randomly, I cry about something ridiculous.  It only lasts a few min the its gone. So today I work, I come home, I workout, I push a bit harder again, because it feels good. ALL A WHILE THINKING ABOUT LETTING GO and opeing my heart. I push. I complete 20 min of weights and core, I come down stairs still super wound up, I had an abundance of energy after work and after my workout but not positive energy, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION its half the reason I pusher harder again today. So I go to shower and I start to cry, and my chest is tight and my muscles feel tight. I finished my shower with bloodshot cried eyes and I go to my fiance, ONE hug and I'm DONE. I cried for at least half and hour. Just sitting in the kitchen tears streaming down my face while watching Phil chop veggies.

And this is exactly what this post is all about.

I haven't been couch lazing and avoiding workouts because the workouts are hard. NO NO NO NO NO,... My subconscious mind KNEW this was all going to begin again. For me I release stagnant energy and energy blockages and SHIT by crying, It is just what my body knows to do with it. No I was avoiding working out because the AFTER IS HARD. Did you know emotion is stored in cells, YES so when you workout for the first times and work hard, those cells are going to change and fat cells are going to leave your body and your going to loose weight but those emotions that energy isn't going to leave with the fat cells, not it needs to leave your body it's OWN way, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, all of it. is going to come out. THAT is why moving forward is do damn hard. Because our cells change when we work on our conscious minds and our physical bodies.

Most people get into awareness books and start physical fitness and then REALIZE all your SHIT is going to come up and release and it sucks its hard its overwhelming. And a lot of people quit at that point, they think that diving into the conscious mind or the physical fitness of our temple bodies is easy. it will be bliss full and enlightening.
OH it is.
after the work is done.
But the work is hard.

So from now until I work through it all I accept that every night after my workout, I'll cry my eyes out, I'll curl up in a ball and weep. Then when those emotions are gone, I might experience anger or frustration until that too is gone. But I'm IN all IN.  Bring on the tears


Wednesday, November 23, 2016

Letting GO and opening your heart

I have been in a transition phase for what feels like 6 years in the making. But I think the truth is I will always be in transition, at least as long as I keep learning, exploring my self and my spirit.

I have been working inside quite a bit again, some reading, some Qi Gong, some sitting and thinking and this is what I've come to. I damn well better start to let my light shine NOW because sitting back and waiting is not serving me and it sure as SHIT isn't serving the world.  And really isn't that why we are here? Are we not put in the world to show, help, shine, and teach? I think so! And frankly I have been beat down and shit on for the brightness of my light my whole life.  Jobs, bosses, friends, ex's, and even parents.  I was given a light this BRIGHT because no matter what or who thinks that it should have a filter or cover cannot dull the light that will inevitably be there.  Even myself, I get in my own way ALL the time.

What takes allowing your light to shine is this.  LET GO, let go of thinking you control how bright your light is. LET GO of thinking and analyzing whether you CAN do something or will or will not FAIL at something. LET GO of those people and experiences in the past who have hurt you. You know what, because you have already experienced them they cannot hurt you again unless you let them. SO get the hell out of your own way and out of your own head and let your light shine.  If you have been overweight and unsure about what others will think if you show up at the gym SCREW THEM your light will shine by showing them you're OK and your moving forward.

I have found that what happens when we start to make changes in our lives and in our thinking is it can make those closest to you VERY UNCOMFORTABLE simply because you are doing what they think they can't. But by doing those things, like changing your perspective on things, or letting go of crap we don't need any more or personally bettering yourself is the more you do it the more you inspire others to take the leap and do something great for them selves. So really by helping your self FIRST your actually helping others. That is why it is SO important to get our of your own way. Now you may be thinking BECK! Seriously you just said you need to do the same so how do you know?

Well yes, I have been holding myself back but this is not the first time I have been on this roller coaster, I have done this once before and what it has taught me is that NO MATTER WHAT even if its a little everyday or every week, its a practise, and once you stop the progress stops and the universe waits. It has waited for me to come back around to this place of enlightenment, because the universe gives second and third and forth and hundredth chances. Its like a big circle, if you are not ready and you miss your moment to shine or to change the universe offers it again and again and again and again until you either see it or continue to go in circles.

Some of you may have just has an AH HA moment, like wait I feel like Ive been going in circles for YEARS! Yes you probably have BUT now that you are aware of it, you will begin to look for that moment that gut feeling of NOW.

Trust your intuition even when it seems crazy, trust your self to make the right decision and trust that the universe is going to keep offering you opportunities to shine. Its our responsibility to get out of the way and our of our egos and head and let go, and SHINE.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favourite songs. Let your light shine by Keb Mo.

You say, 
You want to get over.
What are you gonna do?
Watch the world go by
In a corner of the room?
I know,
None of my business.
But there's something I need to say,
If you could see you
The way I see you
You'd start flying on your own.
Step aside and . . .
Let your light shine.
Let your love show
It's a short ride
Down the long road.
When the rains come
And the winds blow
Let your light shine
Wherever you go.
This world is ready and waiting
For you to break on through.
It's time to recognize,
To realize,
You're the only one like you.
Step on up,
Step into your greatness.
Don't be afraid.
There's a place where you will rise up to;
No one else could do what you do.
Get out of the way
Get out of the way
Refrain - 2x

Wednesday, November 9, 2016

Rounding out 2016

Hey its been quite some time since I've posted. I see last was an angry rant from when my mother in law and sister in law to be were here and pissed me off.

I have recently revisited my blog, re-reading posts, analyzing where I was at, where I am at now, reflecting on my past.

I've been looking for my inner fire these past few months, you know that go get em attitude, that motivation that pushes past comfort. I am ready now to explore it again, but I seemed to have forgotten where I put it.   In the beginning of September I started on a search, I guess is the best way to put it, I started searching inward again. Having a look at my beliefs, my personal limits I've placed on my self, motivations, what keeps me sitting on the couch. And I think what I have realized is that basically I got lazy, I got comfortable, and I am starting to feel this is not who I want to be.

Overweight, tired, un-motivated, un-inspired and full of irrational fears. Yup, that is what happens when you stop doing the work. So now it's time. And one thing I have learned this past two months is when setting goals, intentions and manifesting your life, it is VERY important to manifest NOW. Yes that is correct, NOW. I discovered that what I was doing (barely) was saying things like "I am going to work out" or I am going to eat better" or I am going to start painting again" or things like "I want to start ...."

You get the point. But the problem with these statements is they are projected into the FUTURE. Once I realized that I started with "I am ready NOW to be strong. I am ready NOW to make smarter choices, I am ready NOW for creativity" I am finding for myself that I need all of these things together. Reading back I see I knew that, but seems I forgot.  In order to light my motivation fire, my creative fire I need to DO DO DO DO DO all of these things, because painting makes me feel good and working out makes me feel good and eating right makes me feel good.

I found a great photo of myself from back in the blog and realized that when I did look that great, I wasn't confident that I could 1. maintain it 2. own it 3. that is was really really good for me. I was simply doing what others told me to do. NOW in all my new 6 years older wisdom I see that I created my failure myself but not believing I deserved to look great. And by not believing it I created my own failure.

Now given my not believing I deserved to SHINE did not only come from inside my head. I am not one to pass the buck on things or place blame but I did grow up in a situation where frankly there was no more room for SHINY in our house. A certain family member took up all the room for being the most important one, and what this taught me was to be second. It taught me how to dull my light so that I didn't *what I thought* hurt peoples feelings, and I didn't make people feel less for me being awesome. It ingrained a belief that if I was thinner, successful, HAPPY and financially stable it proved them to be a failure.

I am still working through this one. I feel that because I have identified what happened and why I constantly stopped myself just short of success or when I did succeed I self sabotaged the efforts. And even reading back in my blogs, that photo of my super happy successful weight loss, I even mention that I am going to be visiting with family and I remember now that trip was what re-affirmed that I shouldn't be shiny. I remember the entire event.

Looking at it all now, I am ready to start again. Because I KNOW now what was holding me back and I KNOW now that I have every RIGHT to be as shiny as fuck. So with all these thoughts and blurbs on the page, I leave you with my old tagline.

Nothing works unless you work it. Peace out. R

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Knowing Where you Stand.

It is amazing how hurtful and ultimately liberating it is to find out where you stand with people

Maya Angelou and Oprah said

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
~Maya Angelou

"Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.” ~ Oprah Winfrey.

It is so true, But it isn't always easy to believe, especially if you're like me and you want to believe people are good. You want to believe that someone couldn't possibly be that cruel towards another person.  But they can be, and unfortunately THOSE people, those ones you hope are just having a bad day when they shit on you, Can be your friends your family, your in laws or someone very close to you.  Let me enlighten you.  They are not always having a bad day, some people are just cruel. And you know what, you are a great person, and didn't deserve any sort of shit treatment.  

This experience has recently happened to me, by both my to be mother in law and sister in law.  They both had sharp snake tongues, which I didn't deserve and I held my tongue. I played the higher ground and I kept my cool, for my Man.  And I have done this for 5 years because I though just maybe they were having bad days.  NOPE,  straight up mean.  

So now, after their most recent performances of true colors, I fully understand, they slipped up you see. They actually showed me what they truly thought of m. I don't believe they intended to, most of these type of people intend to, but every now and then they get cocky and let their EGO get in the way and they slip up.  

But as I said at the very beginning of this post, it is oddly liberating that this has happened. Because now I KNOW where I stand and what they truly think of me.  I don't have to try ANYMORE for them to like me, or accept me, I know now this may never happen. SO now I get to be ME!

I have bitten my tongue and kept my words in my stomach all these times and now I don't have to.

I can assure you, next time these people think they can treat me like shit, they are going to get a rude awaking, Because they are going to see I don't care what they think of me any more, I don't need their approval, 

I am proud of myself for figureing this out, sure it took me this long, but I got there. I hope anyone who reads this will also have a liberating moment when they too realize it doesn't matter what others think of you.

It matters what you think of you. And if you have your integrity, and you can stand up for yourself, even eventually, your a better person than them.  My mother always said to me. "Would you ever, ever do something to someone that they just did or said to you?" My response would always be NO
"then your already a better person"

Sending Love Light and Joy !!