Hey its been quite some time since I've posted. I see last was an angry rant from when my mother in law and sister in law to be were here and pissed me off.
I have recently revisited my blog, re-reading posts, analyzing where I was at, where I am at now, reflecting on my past.
I've been looking for my inner fire these past few months, you know that go get em attitude, that motivation that pushes past comfort. I am ready now to explore it again, but I seemed to have forgotten where I put it. In the beginning of September I started on a search, I guess is the best way to put it, I started searching inward again. Having a look at my beliefs, my personal limits I've placed on my self, motivations, what keeps me sitting on the couch. And I think what I have realized is that basically I got lazy, I got comfortable, and I am starting to feel this is not who I want to be.
Overweight, tired, un-motivated, un-inspired and full of irrational fears. Yup, that is what happens when you stop doing the work. So now it's time. And one thing I have learned this past two months is when setting goals, intentions and manifesting your life, it is VERY important to manifest NOW. Yes that is correct, NOW. I discovered that what I was doing (barely) was saying things like "I am going to work out" or I am going to eat better" or I am going to start painting again" or things like "I want to start ...."
You get the point. But the problem with these statements is they are projected into the FUTURE. Once I realized that I started with "I am ready NOW to be strong. I am ready NOW to make smarter choices, I am ready NOW for creativity" I am finding for myself that I need all of these things together. Reading back I see I knew that, but seems I forgot. In order to light my motivation fire, my creative fire I need to DO DO DO DO DO all of these things, because painting makes me feel good and working out makes me feel good and eating right makes me feel good.
I found a great photo of myself from back in the blog and realized that when I did look that great, I wasn't confident that I could 1. maintain it 2. own it 3. that is was really really good for me. I was simply doing what others told me to do. NOW in all my new 6 years older wisdom I see that I created my failure myself but not believing I deserved to look great. And by not believing it I created my own failure.
Now given my not believing I deserved to SHINE did not only come from inside my head. I am not one to pass the buck on things or place blame but I did grow up in a situation where frankly there was no more room for SHINY in our house. A certain family member took up all the room for being the most important one, and what this taught me was to be second. It taught me how to dull my light so that I didn't *what I thought* hurt peoples feelings, and I didn't make people feel less for me being awesome. It ingrained a belief that if I was thinner, successful, HAPPY and financially stable it proved them to be a failure.
I am still working through this one. I feel that because I have identified what happened and why I constantly stopped myself just short of success or when I did succeed I self sabotaged the efforts. And even reading back in my blogs, that photo of my super happy successful weight loss, I even mention that I am going to be visiting with family and I remember now that trip was what re-affirmed that I shouldn't be shiny. I remember the entire event.
Looking at it all now, I am ready to start again. Because I KNOW now what was holding me back and I KNOW now that I have every RIGHT to be as shiny as fuck. So with all these thoughts and blurbs on the page, I leave you with my old tagline.
Nothing works unless you work it. Peace out. R
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