Why moving forward can be so Damn hard

So I thought I would share my personal experience with this. Why moving forward is so Damn hard. I believe that in our subconscious mind we are very smart, and we remember things much clearer than our conscious mind can at times. Our subconscious mind also tries to protect us, it steers us away from challenges, and difficult decisions because it likes to be comfortable.  The main problem with this is that moving forward isn't easy. That is why most people stay put, don't change and don't dive into the conscious mind.

Well I have gone there before, I have dove head first into deep deep conscious mind waters and got it in my nose and ears and splashed and felt like I was drowning. But the more I explored the more I understood. I took on learning about awareness like a sponge and all a while I was working very hard on my personal fitness. If you refer back a couple years in this blog you will see these very lovely photos of me, looking very fit.  Well the reality is I stopped. Someone got into my thoughts and I put them on a pedestal, I was convinced the only reason I could have gotten to my fitness goals was because of them. And once I made a few changes in my life and that person left I quit. I pretended to continue but what I was really doing was getting comfortable, because without that person, why try. I had given all the credit to them.

Now being aware and being comfortable is a funny thing, because I can talk the talk all over talk town but I sure as hell wasn't walking any walk. I was simply spewing my to-date knowledge to others who were just a few steps behind me. And the control part of me was just fine with that, Keep a few steps ahead of everyone else and you'll be fine. Well the problem with this was I got lazy and complacent and I stopped doing any of the work and I regurgitated all the past books and re-read them thinking and fooling myself into thinking I was moving forward.

But then, I was invited to an online book club. And I thought SURE it's time, I could use a new book or four.  So I started reading again, NEW information, NEW learning moving forward in my thinking. Typically for me when this happens I move forward in my physical fitness as well. Now remember that for about 6 years I really haven't dove back into these waters. I had a boo boo and I covered it up with a big O'l band aid and I got comfortable and my subconscious mind liked that it kept me there for 6 years.  I aslo stayed in that place becuase I gave away my credit. But Reading this new book I was reminded that It was me who did all the work the first time and I can do it again.

So here I am reading something that is pushing my comfort zone, and I like it, so I start to do mini workouts again. Except now because I am exercising my brain and consciousness a bit more I decide I am going to push a bit harder in my workout. Perfect, Yesterday 15 quick min of weights, I come downstairs I shower and I'm talking to my fiance and I cry, randomly, I cry about something ridiculous.  It only lasts a few min the its gone. So today I work, I come home, I workout, I push a bit harder again, because it feels good. ALL A WHILE THINKING ABOUT LETTING GO and opeing my heart. I push. I complete 20 min of weights and core, I come down stairs still super wound up, I had an abundance of energy after work and after my workout but not positive energy, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION its half the reason I pusher harder again today. So I go to shower and I start to cry, and my chest is tight and my muscles feel tight. I finished my shower with bloodshot cried eyes and I go to my fiance, ONE hug and I'm DONE. I cried for at least half and hour. Just sitting in the kitchen tears streaming down my face while watching Phil chop veggies.

And this is exactly what this post is all about.

I haven't been couch lazing and avoiding workouts because the workouts are hard. NO NO NO NO NO,... My subconscious mind KNEW this was all going to begin again. For me I release stagnant energy and energy blockages and SHIT by crying, It is just what my body knows to do with it. No I was avoiding working out because the AFTER IS HARD. Did you know emotion is stored in cells, YES so when you workout for the first times and work hard, those cells are going to change and fat cells are going to leave your body and your going to loose weight but those emotions that energy isn't going to leave with the fat cells, not it needs to leave your body it's OWN way, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, all of it. is going to come out. THAT is why moving forward is do damn hard. Because our cells change when we work on our conscious minds and our physical bodies.

Most people get into awareness books and start physical fitness and then REALIZE all your SHIT is going to come up and release and it sucks its hard its overwhelming. And a lot of people quit at that point, they think that diving into the conscious mind or the physical fitness of our temple bodies is easy. it will be bliss full and enlightening.
OH it is.
LATER.
after the work is done.
But the work is hard.

So from now until I work through it all I accept that every night after my workout, I'll cry my eyes out, I'll curl up in a ball and weep. Then when those emotions are gone, I might experience anger or frustration until that too is gone. But I'm IN all IN.  Bring on the tears

R

Letting GO and opening your heart

I have been in a transition phase for what feels like 6 years in the making. But I think the truth is I will always be in transition, at least as long as I keep learning, exploring my self and my spirit.

I have been working inside quite a bit again, some reading, some Qi Gong, some sitting and thinking and this is what I've come to. I damn well better start to let my light shine NOW because sitting back and waiting is not serving me and it sure as SHIT isn't serving the world.  And really isn't that why we are here? Are we not put in the world to show, help, shine, and teach? I think so! And frankly I have been beat down and shit on for the brightness of my light my whole life.  Jobs, bosses, friends, ex's, and even parents.  I was given a light this BRIGHT because no matter what or who thinks that it should have a filter or cover cannot dull the light that will inevitably be there.  Even myself, I get in my own way ALL the time.

What takes allowing your light to shine is this.  LET GO, let go of thinking you control how bright your light is. LET GO of thinking and analyzing whether you CAN do something or will or will not FAIL at something. LET GO of those people and experiences in the past who have hurt you. You know what, because you have already experienced them they cannot hurt you again unless you let them. SO get the hell out of your own way and out of your own head and let your light shine.  If you have been overweight and unsure about what others will think if you show up at the gym SCREW THEM your light will shine by showing them you're OK and your moving forward.

I have found that what happens when we start to make changes in our lives and in our thinking is it can make those closest to you VERY UNCOMFORTABLE simply because you are doing what they think they can't. But by doing those things, like changing your perspective on things, or letting go of crap we don't need any more or personally bettering yourself is the more you do it the more you inspire others to take the leap and do something great for them selves. So really by helping your self FIRST your actually helping others. That is why it is SO important to get our of your own way. Now you may be thinking BECK! Seriously you just said you need to do the same so how do you know?

Well yes, I have been holding myself back but this is not the first time I have been on this roller coaster, I have done this once before and what it has taught me is that NO MATTER WHAT even if its a little everyday or every week, its a practise, and once you stop the progress stops and the universe waits. It has waited for me to come back around to this place of enlightenment, because the universe gives second and third and forth and hundredth chances. Its like a big circle, if you are not ready and you miss your moment to shine or to change the universe offers it again and again and again and again until you either see it or continue to go in circles.

Some of you may have just has an AH HA moment, like wait I feel like Ive been going in circles for YEARS! Yes you probably have BUT now that you are aware of it, you will begin to look for that moment that gut feeling of NOW.

Trust your intuition even when it seems crazy, trust your self to make the right decision and trust that the universe is going to keep offering you opportunities to shine. Its our responsibility to get out of the way and our of our egos and head and let go, and SHINE.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favourite songs. Let your light shine by Keb Mo.

You say, 

You want to get over.
What are you gonna do?
Watch the world go by
In a corner of the room?
I know,
None of my business.
But there's something I need to say,
If you could see you
The way I see you
You'd start flying on your own.
Step aside and . . .
Refrain:
Let your light shine.
Let your love show
It's a short ride
Down the long road.
When the rains come
And the winds blow
Let your light shine
Wherever you go.
This world is ready and waiting
For you to break on through.
It's time to recognize,
To realize,
You're the only one like you.
Step on up,
Step into your greatness.
Don't be afraid.
There's a place where you will rise up to;
No one else could do what you do.
Get out of the way
Refrain
Get out of the way
Refrain - 2x

Songwriters: KEVIN MOORE, JENNY YATES

Great post

 SO I was going over my stats on my blog and saw that this particular post out of all the ones I have ever written got over 140 visit, I am wondering if this is the one that got my blog in places like Russia, yes, that is my top third place that reads or visits my blog. I've never been, and actually would love to hear back from some of these Russian people who apparently read my blog. Or for that matter, anyone who reads my blog, feedback would be great.

Anyhow on to the good stuff. So seeing that this is the top read post I have I thought I would read it over, (wow I was really in a good place here, need to get back to that) and it is a great post, so here is is again just because I need to see this again and maybe you do too!  Please enjoy



I am currently reading Dr Wayne Dyer (love him) The Power of Intention, learning to co-create your world your way. So this is a great book, I was hearing a lot about intention and acting and speaking with intention... these words stuck in my head but I really didn't understand what that meant to do these things. I think that I have posted about it earlier, but this book is great, it really gets down and explains what it means. So one of the greatest things about intention is that everything is created twice, first as a thought... so I started to acknowledge and listen to the thoughts that were CONSTANTLY running through my head... they were just silly, I was worrying about alllllll kinds of shit that had NOTHING to do with me. I was thinking about situations and problems that didn't even exist... what a waste of energy!

Not only was I thinking about usless shit, I was telling myself and surrounding myself with all kinds of horrible negative things. Hence it was the greatest thing to quit my job. Seriously..

Once I realized what my inner dialog was, I was able to know that if I could have these thoughts that I could just as easily have others... positive thoughts, thoughts of gratitude, love, kindness, creativity, beauty, abudance and expansion.

Being grateful for EVERYTHING, its all a gift, even if it sucks, we have all been there... something crappy has happened and at the time we are like SHIT>>> not cool.. but later sometimes even much later.. the thought comes to us ohhhhhhhhh I now see why the crappy thing happened.. and if it didn't I wouldn't be having this good thing happen now...

Being grateful for everything is just that. saying daily thanks for what the day has brought. you can thank God if that's what you want to call it, the universe, the source, the heavens, its all the same, its the higher energy that creates us with .. here it comes,, intention.... intention as explained in this book is like this... an apple seed is created with the intention to become a beautiful tree, which produces flowers, and more apples.. with more seeds full of intention to create more apples... the seed the tree nor the apple say... what do I do now? they don't say I'm not good enough to be the tree, the apple, the flower, it just knows.. we are all made from the same .... stuff,,, we are all created with intentions.

The way to tap into this is to do things like knowing that we are all connected, all of us, everything! what gets in the way is EGO.. ego says I am alone, I am different than you, I am not the same. YES YA ARE.. we are all souls and spirits... we are all part of a much much much --- larger abundant world.

I say thanks for things in my day that I would otherwise bitch about before, or never acknowledge... Like the rain or the wind, the sun coming through my window. the smile I received from the stranger. All of them are little blessings that should not go unacknowledged.

I am finding that with gratitude, I am able to practice the other things mentioned, Love, beauty, kindness, creativity, expansion, and abundance. actually is pretty easy once you learn gratitude, you then love everything because you know that its been brought to you because you are grateful for it, and then you find it beautiful, with that your creativity starts rolling, and when your on it like that your more likely to practice kindness to others, they cant piss you off your full of love beauty and creativity, with those ingredients brings expansion because you start to think outside the box, "wait I can do that, if I i don't know how now, I sure can learn how" constantly expand your limits.. then comes abundance... once you know you can learn and expand,, you also know that like your potential, everything in life is of abundance, like air... and space..

Light bulb... now its time to act on it... just reading about it, and thinking about it wont get it done, that the second creation,,, making it happen.... one step at a time if needed. I made a new rule in my life.. I must smile at EVERYONE I make eye contact with... funny how many people catch your eye. I smile all friggen day! whoop whoop

Nothing works unless you work it!

A fresh start, from my perspective

This week signifies a fresh start for me, at least I think so. This past few months have probably been the most difficult that I have ever had to work through. I feel like I have come through the mud and put down the weight of the worlds worries and said that is it.

(this is my meditation Buddha, He is happy)

I am going to start off by saying 

I am so very grateful for having been through it, I have learnt about myself and others. I feel gratitude towards the universe for providing for me when I didn't know how I was going to make it.

I was on medical EI for the past 3 months and was off sick for the 2 months before that, basically since Feb I have not worked, at a job that is. I have worked very hard on myself though. I was in deep deep depression and was past my limit of stress. For the first two months I just slept, bathed, ate, slept repeat, at least 3-4 times a day.

But with plenty of rest, love and support, counselling, writing in a journal, some exercise, meditation and a strong personal Will to heal, I have come through.

For the last month and a half I have been feeling normal ish again, no deep sinking feeling, less anxiety, head above water type of feeling.

In the last two weeks I have been feeling great, each day is brighter and even if I do get low or feel overwhelmed or anxious I can manage those feelings now.

Now for the exciting part, as of Monday June 17th I will be starting my Interior Design business. I have made the decision that working for another company is not for me and I am going to pursue my dream of doing Interior Design as my own company.

I will be updating more often as I find writing out in a blog to an audience that may not even be there is soothing for me.

A pattern in my postings

I posted the other day about a couple things and this morning I was checking my stats, I really enjoy checking to see where in the world people are reading my blog, it is very cool to see Russia and all sorts of places show up on my stats. As I was checking I saw that this past week one post in particular was being read. It was one I did a few years back just after I changed jobs and such. So then I started to read more of my blog, I noticed that I tend to blog in January, March, July, September, October November and December. My biggest month for posting is September.

This makes sense though, My birthday is the end of September and right around middle of August and right though until after my birthday my my body and mind tends to give me little signals, time to change beck, time to look at the bigger picture here!

I really see my Birthday as a start to my new year. This year I get to start again BIG it is a milestone birthday a new decade. It is funny though because when I mention it too people that I will be 30 this year, the people older than me tell me its great (which is what I am thinking) and people younger some seem to be afraid. One of my childhood friends and I chatted since our birthdays are a day apart, I was saying too her I am excited to start fresh I am in a great place in my life and I feel it can only get better, she as scared and didn't seem to be happy about turning 30. It got me to wonder, does she feel like this because she is not happy with where she is in her life? Did she not accomplish what she had set out too do by this time? Or is she not happy because she doesn't know herself and is only basing her life and where she is on the views of society and where it thinks she should be by now?

For me, yeah I am happy with where I am at right now, I have the love of my life, Phil, I have a great job and promising career, (yeah I thought I would be running my own design firm by now but there seems to be another plan at hand for me and I am okay with that) I am not in the physical condition I thought I would be in considering my previous experience with my personal trainer a couple years back but whatever I am doing something about it now. I have a new trainer and he will help me get back on my feet. There will always be things in life to work on and improve, if we are not constantly tyring to improve and move forward than we are standing still waiting for life playing a victim.

R

Life, fitness, bob loblaw update

Funny that I should write this post today, I just read my friends Magda's and hers was all about how she hates Yoga.  I was just about to update how I have been doing Hot Yoga once a week and how much I love it. My fitness regime has picked up for sure, I am doing twice a week at the Gym anywhere from 30-45 min. I think in the last year I have been telling myself that I didn't have enough time, but the reality is there is enough time, 30-45 mins is better than 0 min. I am really enjoying the challenge again. I do have to say though that having had a personal trainer before has its benefits.  I can hear her in my head when doing my workouts pushing me to do another set, another push up 5 more, 1 more min. I wouldn't mind doing some more work with her once the opportunity arises. It would just be nice at least once a month to learn some new stuff.

Otherwise I am learning lots still at my job, It is definitely different than doing Design full time. I get to leave work at work. I was doing some design on the side, in the Mandarin community with a Design friend of mine. That is a line you must be careful with, working with friends and making friends at work and especially with bosses. Joy and I work well together we have an understanding. When it comes to business and issues, it is business, no personal allowed. I am currently dealing with a situation where in business an associate of Joy's is trying to pass the buck, place blame on everyone else, dodge her responsibilities. As a designer and strong personality I am not allowing it. She was emailing and phoning me to get my help to clean up her mess. I am not her babysitter so I am simply standing back.

Anyhow, this is sort of a random post.. lil of this lil of that. I will write again soon

B

Forgiveness

ALrighty ... things are good here, the meeting went well - very well actually - it was a bit odd at first, I believe the first thing I said to JH was "hi.... do you feel like your going to vomit right now?" response..."um yeah..." so once we got over that, it was basic chit chat for the first 30 min..



I had called my good friend just before going into meet and was freaking out a bit, they were so sweet and offered to "drop in" if things were not going well and would rescue me. So about 45 min into it, my friend Adam stopped into check on us. It was very nice of him, I didn't need an out but it was still kind.


anyhow, after a bit of general I am here chat, we got right into it, JH started out by saying that he would love to say "I am sorry" but those words could not express what he really wanted me to know, he did say those three magic words - he said he really wanted to make sure that even if I stormed out and couldn't look at him all he wanted me to know was he never did it to hurt me and it was never meant to be something done to me....... agreement # 2....



it was good, he has made some progress in his life and has come to the realization that he has a sickness and he needs to get help for that.


I expressed my feelings towards him, I wanted him to know that I no longer feel anger or hatred towards him because I have forgiven him - I wanted to let him know that I was really happy for him for going and seeing people about his problems, and let him know that I have learnt not to take what he did personally and that it was his problem not mine, in fact it had nothing to do with me, and I now know that. I also wanted him to know that even though he has made some horrible mistakes he is still a good person.


always since JH and were friends back in the day when we were really close people would always get us in great photos cause we were stuck like glue to each other.



So we were right in the deep mix of things when I noticed a guy at the table across from us checking us out and I notice this man with a camera just looking at us. He apologized for interrupting and said that he had taken a great photo and hoped we didn't mind. I would like to share this photo with you. I am very proud of this ... you can see for yourself... first time in 3 1/2 years that two people who were so very close talking for the first time.