CREATING SOMETHING SPECIAL

 Hey! 

Wow it's been a minute since I have checked in there and written anything. It is crazy to see there are still so many views on this blog. So thank you. I am not exactly sure where you all find me or if you even read these but if you do, thanks.

I have been working on a new project recently, and it turns out it is somewhat inspired by this blog. I have been working on a book and some other little treats. I am taking a lot of what I write about here and many other happenings, habits, and rituals I have brought into my life and I am creating a book where they all live together. I hope to have it completed this year so that, if interested, you all can then enjoy it also.  

I have a post that I noticed I left in Draft for years about how I wasnt sure if Interior Design was even something I wanted to continue, funny because I mention a lot of what I am now thinking about as baisis for the book in that post. Maybe one day I will share it, for now I think I will use it for an inspiration to keep on with my project. 

So I'd love to know you're here and reading, and I invite you to check out my project coming, a book about small daily choices that help us come back t ourselves. Find me on instagram @the_health_habit_principals and say hello. If the idea speaks to you, I'd be grateful if you shared it with someone who might connect with it too.

Look forward to seeing you all there.

B

Working through feelings

This last two and a half months have been a bit tumultuous to say the least.  I've been in conflict with my Parents now for about a year and a bit. I don't like it but I am here because I am finally standing up for myself and my family.

The hardest part of it all is they don't understand any of it. They think that my husband is controlling me, that he is saying everything and that I am just this weak person that is being manipulated. What has really happened is that my husband has shown me unconditional love and support to stand up and say what it is I've wanted to say for a long time to them.

It hurts.

I've begun to go no contact with them over the last two months, first they told me to grow up when I expressed some very raw emotions and anger, then nothing. Every now and then they would send a text that had NO relevance to my issues, which hurt even more. Basically what I felt was that if  I left and never spoke to them again, that was fine.  I felt invisible and belittled.

Recently they send a parcel to which I returned without opening because when there are much bigger issues at hand, sending stuff as love is not the answer.

This act of standing up of course caused and uproar. So once again, I opened up, I explained my feelings, my anger, my issues. They changed the topic, pointed fingers and blamed me again for these problems.

I feel like I jumped right back into that hole. I know what I did, I know how to get out of the hole. I need to pick another street to walk down.

I understand that they are only loving me the best way they know how, and that I cannot expect them to provide love in a capacity that is not available to them. I also understand that they do not think they are doing anything wrong or hurting anyone. Which also means they do not wish to evaluate their behaviors or change in any way.

That being said, then I am the one who needs to change, and I am the one who has that capacity. I have learned more about myself and have gained more self love. With this self love, I can no longer continue to have the same relationship with them as I did before.

Everyone should be free to be respected, loved with out conditions and to have the right to set boundaries as they wish.

I'm not asking much from them. I don't want conditions on our relationship. I want to be respected as an adult and have my husband respected. I want them to love and trust that the choices I am making for myself and my family are my own and that I am smart enough to make my own educated choices. I want them to contact us and plan to come see us. I want them to hear me when I say I'm hurt or angry. I want to rationally discuss those feeling.

this is more of a therapeutic writing as I am not sure if anyone will even read it.

my daughter is napping, the house is silent. I have a few moments to my thoughts.
thanks for listening.
Rebecca

Hello 2019!!!

So much went on in 2018, moved (yet AGAIN) I think this moving from town to town is similar to me trying to find my husband. Try a little here, NOPE, try a little there, NOPE, Oh there you are. Geeze

Anyhow, were in our new town now with our little girl. BTW she's amazing. I could go on for HOURS about her but this Blog isn't called - telling you about my baby girl-

This is Enlightenment, love and creative being.

Yesterday I had a shifting moment, I did my regular morning thing, being inert at the moment, watching Netflix and doing absolutely nothing for my soul, (seems I shifted into a bit of a comfy spot) I had a small spark of inspiration, I am not sure where it came from, the icky feeling from eating caramel sauce directly from the jar the previous day or just an angelic nudge. But I had the idea that I needed to get back to the gym. Now in my experiences in life I had a family who didn't do the gym, don't get me wrong they were damn hard workers but not fitness type. We didn't hike or ski growing up despite the face we lived in an incredible outdoorsy town.  No my parents fitness was the work that needed to be done on the property, gardening, firewood, mowing and raking the grass, raking leaves, cleaning the house, building this or that. I admire their work but it didn't teach me fitness. In fact I remember in high school I got into liking track and some of the workouts that were required of me in gym class. I started doing sit ups in my room upstairs, this made the slightest creak in the floor, needless to say I was told to stop doing whatever I was up to because I was annoying and when I confessed it was sit ups I was told I didn't need to do that so stop.

I did end up going and working with a personal trainer while living in Vancouver and fell in love with the weights, I worked hard and then stopped. I believe I stopped essentially because I was still judging myself for doing so. That familiar voice of, stop it, you don't need it or you shouldn't do that, was still ringing in my head. I spent tons of money on wasted gym memberships over the years, I'd get inspired then sign up, then go, then stop or convince myself that it was too hard, too expensive too everything essentially just repeating that negativity in my head.

And then there was yesterday. I got the inspiration again, mentioned it to my husband and his initial tone was that of a frustrated partner who had seen me on this endless loop for years, but then his tone changed. He was supportive, as always and encouraged me.

Ha ha fooled him, I didn't need anyone to doubt me my self doubt came rushing in - before I even got out the door! By the time he walked through the door I had completed 5 conversations with him and myself in my head about the entire thing. I was in tears and sniffling like a injured child.

After many more tears and dancing around the topic he finally said to me, "So what is this, if you don't have someone giving you the abuse, you figure hey I'll do it to myself COME ON!" he was right. I felt I didn't deserve to feel good about myself I didn't deserve to have that small amount of money spent on me and something I really really wanted.

I was so use to that voice in my head that when it didn't come fast enough I created a new voice one that was meaner and louder. What was I doing?

I gave my head a serious shake and had a talk with my husband. We discussed how I had slipped back into the inert, low self of steam person I was years ago. I had stopped doing the things I loved because of my own abusive limiting beliefs.  And there it was LIMITING BELIEFS once that phrase slipped out of my mouth it clicked. I was limiting my self based on what I believed I was worth, what I LET stay in my head. I LET my self believe I wasn't going to succeed. I LET my self believe that I was wasting money.

This entire charade was not of anyone else's doing, it was me. Because of that, I was the ONLY person who could change that thought, that feeling, that belief. SHIFT

I did end up going to the gym yesterday, I did a workout, and I did buy a membership. I am not going to assume it will be easy to maintain but I am going to continue to remind myself that only I can make those choices and only I can change that voice in my head. So I'll keep the blog updated with the fitness progress and like every fitness journey, the emotional and mental journey that inevitably come with it.

stay strong lovely people! You're the only ones that can changes something in your life
Rebecca

Trust and creating abundance

On my last post - detaching from drama I worked through some blockages I was having regarding work. The result of that. I got what I was hoping for the very next day. sooo I thought well why not write more about what I am looking to create. It seemed to work so lets try, it's all just energy right!

The thing about asking for exactly what you want is it doesn't leave room for the universe to surprise you with something better. I find in my life it is easier to ask for the qualities you want in something rather than the materialistic exact. For example Phil and I are looking for a home, our first home actually and this is the first location I have ever lived that I actually care to own and put roots. We both have great jobs and I actually think Phil might be getting his raise tomorrow.  We have been looking a couple of houses I wrote down what qualities in a home we're looking for..


You will be surprised what will actually transpire if you put your wants out there to the universe without ego, vanity or materialistic expectations.

This is what I wrote:

The perfect house will become available to Phil and I through our real estate agent, this summer.  We will be notified before it goes on the market. Our house will be a little 1800sqft two level quaint home with a large fenced yard, with room for a garden and a fire pit. A carport and shed. It has hardwood floors and carpet in the bedrooms, tile in the bath. It has 3 bedrooms and 2 1/2 baths a large L shaped kitchen with room for the wood island. It has a dining nook with a patio door. Lots of light. Concrete foundation. The main bath will have a large soaker tub and large shower.  The roof and windows will be new and upgraded. We will get financing right away and it will be available to move into in 30 days from purchase. It will have a partly finished basement perfect for my gym and Phil's man cave. Available in my town. I know the universe has my back and supports me in every way. I ask for this affordable home for Phil and I, this or something better! I am grateful for everything the universe offers and brings my way. The flow of Abundance and prosperity are on my side.  The universe takes care of us, and we are grateful for it.

We ask for a home that is affordable for us so we can still enjoy vacations and treats. We ask that it be affordable to start our family. We ask that it is safe and enjoyable as our first home.

Abundance flows freely through me.
The universe hears me and is working with me to bring me what I need and want
I am grateful for the gifts the universe has brought to me already.
I am open to the flow of prosperity and abundance

Rebecca

Detach from Drama

Oh boy, I am doing my best to detach from drama. There is a work related situation that I am trying to keep non biased about. I need to detach myself from the situation and provide understanding and empathy with, but instead my feelings are so strong that I keep letting it get to me.

I am letting it go with the sedona method. I can let this go I will let this go. The tension it's creating in my body is still there but I am actively working to release it.

Maybe some yoga..

Deep breathing...

Grounding.

I am abundance, I am abundance, I am I am I am able to let it go, I am able to let it go, I am letting it go, I am letting it go, I am letting it go, I am free from drama, I am free from drama, I am free from drama..

Life supports me in every possible way
My income is constantly increasing
I now free myself from destructive fears and doubts
Everyday I am getting closer to my goals. The universe has my back and it supporting me every step of the way
My body takes me everywhere easily and effortlessly
Wellness is the natural state of my body
My heart is open. I speak with loving words
I now choose to release all drama, hurt and resentment
I am grateful for my healthy body. I love life
All that I need to know at any given moment is revealed to me. My intuition is always on my side
I am an open channel for creative ideas
I love every cell of my body
Abundance flows freely through me.

Breathe.

Release.

I am grateful for my health
I am grateful for my husband
I am grateful for my job
I am grateful for my family
I am grateful for the sun
I am grateful for the rain
I am grateful for my creativity
I am grateful for my healing
I am grateful for my income
I am grateful for my past
I am grateful for my tribe
I am love
I am love
I am love
I am love
I am light
I am light
I am light
I am light
I have more money coming in than going out
I have more money coming in than going out
I am abundance
I am abundance

I am
I am
I am.


R

To speak up or not

Hi,  So I have had a couple of new experiences these past few days, and it has posed as question - to speak up or not? Maybe you get what i'm saying. Your friend is going through something, and instinctively you can tell, but they haven't said anything to you yet, so do you ask? do you drop hints? or do you leave it alone?

I've never been one to just ignore that a friend or family member is going through something. I feel it is part of why I am empathetic, is to be able to be there or help someone. Good or bad. But some might say it is just my ego saying hey get in there.

I don't think it is.

I've had two experiences in the last 24hrs that as they are both different I feel I acted the same. One being a family member that my gut says is in a situation where they may be caught up in some shiny stuff and not acknowledging their full feelings. And another where a dear friend needed someone to understand them but never reached out because they've felt like they were wrong for feeling the way they did.

So in the first instance with family, I didn't necessarily ask if they were sure about their situation, I implied it by stating that I was happy they were sure because when people are not sure *gut sure* things can go badly. I told a story about a personal experience where a couple of my friends thought they were sure about their to be long term commitments but in their gut was the tiny spark of doubt because small things were going on that could have been see as signs. I told how those people when they didn't listen or pay attention to those signs the ended up leaving those situations. I never once said that is whats going to happen to her, I simply said, I am happy you're sure, because I've seen what can happen when people are not. She took this story telling as me being negative towards her situation. Where she said she's happy and sure about her commitments.  She interpreted my sharing of other peoples story as an offence and began defending her situation. I think personally, if you're that sure about what you're doing, and the choices you've made, then a story of other people not working out shouldn't offend you.  I think I was correct to speak up. I don't think she thought so, but this would not be the first time someone didn't like my message.

On the second experience, My dear friend has gone though a tough divorce, there was not a lot of friendliness in it at all. There is also a child involved. She was telling me all about how unfortunately her ex husband has now developed a serious illness in the midst of their divorce and she had concern for his well being. I told her it was completely okay to be concerned and to put all the negativity behind them to focus on supporting family.  This surprised her. She shared that being kind in this situation was something she really wanted but felt she couldn't because everyone around her things she should still be angry. She started to open up about how deep down inside she thought she might still love him as a friend and missed that he was her best friend for so long. I encouraged her to tell him that. Again she was surprised I said that. "BEX thank you so much for saying that, you're the first person that made me feel it was okay" "Of Course it's okay to love him and miss him. Love is the strongest energy in the world and he's still your family. Why keep fighting when you don't even want to anymore. Why not be open and honest and tell him you love him and you miss your friendship!!, He is going through medical problems right now, love and friendship is going to help everyone a lot more right now, a lot more than anger and resentment." Plus, your kid can learn kindness, forgiveness and love from this situation!"

I think this was the first time in a long time she cried. She cried relief that this might work out okay, she cried because I was the first and only person who told her it was okay to have the feelings she did. She is a love and kindness person and the anger and resentment of her divorce wore so harsh on her she hatted the whole experience. So I suggested to do it her way, because just maybe he missed his best friend too, and just maybe in this tough time for him, he needed her. In this situation, again I am glad I spoke up, I feel it gave my friend a voice that she didn't think she could have.

So what are your experiences? Have you ever thought I should have said something but felt it wasn't okay to speak your mind? Have you ever held conviction that what you said was exactly as it should be, regardless of consequences?  In both these instances I have done exactly this before with each of them, the difference is one thinks I should mind my own business and one trusts that as a friend I am always going to tell her the truth and that I always have her best interest in mind. So who is right?

R

Looking back to learn for today

I just spent a few minuets reading some of my old posts. What I learned from them is that I had great conviction, motivation and drive to get and do the things I wanted.  Looking back now and reading my posts I realized that for a while there Daily Gratitude was a strong habit of mine. Almost every day or at least once or twice a week for a while there during a major shift and change in my life, I was posting my "thank you's" and "grateful for's " putting it out to the universe, saying "hey, Im here I am ready for changes and Im thankful for everything you bring to me"

I don't know about you but I think I've gotten a little far away from that practice and I think  it is time again to put it back into action. So today I make the choice to change my perspective.

So - today I am VERY GRATEFUL for everything I have in my life right now, my job, my pay this SNOW that just keeps falling omg.

I am grateful for this experience, thank you universe for the reminder.

R

Making Changes that STICK

Hello 2017!

Yes a new year, a new start, a fresh calendar.

BUT most of us still have the same bills, same personal trolls as we did 5 days ago. How do we create changes for the new year that STICK.

Well first off, the key words here are CREATE CHANGE. Yes we, each individual, is responsible for their own life.

Sorry to drop a truth on you so early in the year but the FIRST thing to acknowledge is you are where you are because you created it.  Not always INTENTIONALLY but you're still responsible.

HOW?

Well by your thoughts and feelings. I have seen a ton on Social media about how 2016 was SHit and Thank God it's over. Well unless you remove yourself from Drama feeding at the local FB pool and engaging in gossip and reacting to everything and taking on all the crap our pain body LOVES you're going to have a shitty 2017, and 18 and 19 and so on.

Lets talk about the resolution thing. Sure plan to get fit in 30days, eat clean, fill your bank accounts etc but what are you DOING differently to get there?

How about starting by slowing down rather than adding more.  If someone texts you or emails you or even just asks you to do something, Wait, say you'll think about it.  Then do just that THINK, do I really want to host again? Do I really want to watch there cats again? Do these things make me happy? Do they inconvenience me?  Then after some time and once you KNOW what you want - respond.  IT'S OKAY TO SAY NO!

How about a resolution to THINK before Speaking, take that moment between stimulus and response, the space we call choice. CHOOSE to speak words of action, words of positivity. CHOOSE to respond with thought not just re-acting to EVERYTHING.

By saying NO to others when they ask you to do things is saying YES to you! WOW

Once you start to say YES to you and your own time, then you can start working on the thoughts and feelings thing, mostly because all that TIME you say you don't have will be now available.  Now that you've said YES to you, many things start to happen. For one your personal confidence starts to go up, simply because you have put yourself first.   Next you'll find you have more time, lots of free time, especially when all these little things combine, less gossip time, less tv time, less taking care of everyone else time. All those little bits of time add up. Then before you know it, there you have an hour or two just for you! What will you do?

Do, say and create things that make you feel good, feel happy, feel joy.  You have time now, how about some personal spa time, ohh. Or reading time. Maybe bust out those adult colouring books we all bought and put on a shelf. Maybe gear up and do some yoga or weights. All of these little things can now fill up your ME time.

Just think if you break down your full 24hrs in a day to work, sleep, chores, family time etc, you'll see there actually is a good chunk of time that we spend on social media, in line at the store gossiping, watching TV or the news.  Sure those things are entertaining I suppose, more like mind numbing. Why not relax with some stretching or reading instead.

Don't get me wrong I watch my TV and play on my social media too, but I have been catching myself, regurgitating the information on my social media, looking every 15min to see if something new is on there only to find out NOPe still don't care. So just put it down, turn it off, you're not missing anything other than time which you could be using to spoil yourself and make those changes that STICK.

Try it. Even one day at a time.

Nothing works unless you work it.
R

Finding Balance

Hey there, So today I want to share with you about my struggle with balance in my life.

I am a Libra, the scales, this unfortunately does not mean always balanced, in fact it means a constant struggle for balance. Always checking and tipping the scales to see what works and what doesn't.

One of the things I constantly struggle to balance is my fitness and exercise health. For years I didn't even do anything, then I started working out around 2007 off and on at the gym, do a 6 week program then nothing for 4 months, then another 3 weeks then nothing.  Around 2008 mid year I really committed and took on a trainer and personal coach. Some of my posts around then will share experiences from then.  In 2010 I started some more transitions in my life, I met my love, I started changing due to stress from work and trying to find balance in my life again now that is was not just about me.

Fast forward to 2016 and once again I try to find balance. Having gone through a major depression, 5 moves and 3 jobs in the last  years, now settled in a town I love with a job I love and an amazing group of women who support each other and we are here. The beginning of this year I had some motivation to work out but still not what I used to have.  I started doing some more reading this year, body talk sessions, journaling and overall soul searching.  I started a 21 day workout program 6 days ago yay! 6 days in! Knowing my previous patterns of extremes and swinging the pendulum too far left and right all these year I think I may have found a balance.

For me finding time to work out was difficult because I was trying to fit fitness into my life now how I used to fit it in before. Before when I lived in a great city, when I was single, when I was in my 20's when I was a different version of myself.  Now I have to admit I have learned something from just writing this post, what used to work for me in the past, doesn't necessarily mean it is going to work for me NOW.  Now I am in a wonderful relationship, and Im in a small *currently freezing* town where outdoor running in December is, well, silly. And where my days are shorter in sunlight and longer in freedom.

So I took some time and dug deep to see why I wanted to work out? Did I even like it? What type of workouts do I REALLY enjoy? Then I had a look at my day, I used to work out in the evenings and it worked really well for me. Get off work, head to the gym for an hour or more and be home for 8,9, 10 pm to pass out on my bed after a less than nutritional meal. So I have had to analyze my life now,  My evenings are no longer a efficient or stress free time to work out, I get home at 4pm and My fiancé and I spend the little time we have together in a day enjoying each other company.  Now sure He has offered to make all dinners, and support me and sacrifice that time together for my personal health but I don't WANT to. I like getting home and having a glass of wine and discussing my day. I love it.

SO next option, Mornings. UUUUGH I have a routine in the mornings, I get up I make coffee and I don't talk to anyone for at least 2 hours. 1 of those full hours is coffee. The second is shower, dress, and eat. Phil and I car share so when he arrives it's go time. I can't be fa la la ing around in the morning. I have my routine and I like it.  Evenings after Phil goes to bed was off too because I'm tired by then and really who wants to workout AFTER dinner. BOO

This was the struggle I was having. I tried after work, Nope, the stress of thinking about my workday while lifting was not working. Mornings, rolling out of bed and starting a workout within minuets of opening my eyes HELL NO. That only worked for a total of three weeks then back to wake, coffee.

My struggle wasn't about if I liked working out. I do. Feels great, at the right time. It was about finding the right ME time. When nothing else is pressing me for my attention, when I have sufficiently treated myself to something I love and when I actually have the spunk to do the workouts

I have been trying this routine with my new 21 day plan. I wake up 35 min earlier. The extra 5 is for the snooze button. I get up I have coffee, YAY my favourite part. Then around 6:20am when I am sufficiently caffeinated and awake, I put on my workout gear, grab my water and head upstairs to my home gym.  I do 30 mins working out. I shower eat and by then It is 7:50am and I am in the car.

I feel this one is going to work because all I have to adjust is going to bed about 30 min earlier (no prob whole house is asleep anyhow) and getting up 35 min earlier. I still get coffee, and quite time but I also get my sweat on.

Lets see if this works long term. I have faith.

Nothing works unless you work it.
R

Why moving forward can be so Damn hard

So I thought I would share my personal experience with this. Why moving forward is so Damn hard. I believe that in our subconscious mind we are very smart, and we remember things much clearer than our conscious mind can at times. Our subconscious mind also tries to protect us, it steers us away from challenges, and difficult decisions because it likes to be comfortable.  The main problem with this is that moving forward isn't easy. That is why most people stay put, don't change and don't dive into the conscious mind.

Well I have gone there before, I have dove head first into deep deep conscious mind waters and got it in my nose and ears and splashed and felt like I was drowning. But the more I explored the more I understood. I took on learning about awareness like a sponge and all a while I was working very hard on my personal fitness. If you refer back a couple years in this blog you will see these very lovely photos of me, looking very fit.  Well the reality is I stopped. Someone got into my thoughts and I put them on a pedestal, I was convinced the only reason I could have gotten to my fitness goals was because of them. And once I made a few changes in my life and that person left I quit. I pretended to continue but what I was really doing was getting comfortable, because without that person, why try. I had given all the credit to them.

Now being aware and being comfortable is a funny thing, because I can talk the talk all over talk town but I sure as hell wasn't walking any walk. I was simply spewing my to-date knowledge to others who were just a few steps behind me. And the control part of me was just fine with that, Keep a few steps ahead of everyone else and you'll be fine. Well the problem with this was I got lazy and complacent and I stopped doing any of the work and I regurgitated all the past books and re-read them thinking and fooling myself into thinking I was moving forward.

But then, I was invited to an online book club. And I thought SURE it's time, I could use a new book or four.  So I started reading again, NEW information, NEW learning moving forward in my thinking. Typically for me when this happens I move forward in my physical fitness as well. Now remember that for about 6 years I really haven't dove back into these waters. I had a boo boo and I covered it up with a big O'l band aid and I got comfortable and my subconscious mind liked that it kept me there for 6 years.  I aslo stayed in that place becuase I gave away my credit. But Reading this new book I was reminded that It was me who did all the work the first time and I can do it again.

So here I am reading something that is pushing my comfort zone, and I like it, so I start to do mini workouts again. Except now because I am exercising my brain and consciousness a bit more I decide I am going to push a bit harder in my workout. Perfect, Yesterday 15 quick min of weights, I come downstairs I shower and I'm talking to my fiance and I cry, randomly, I cry about something ridiculous.  It only lasts a few min the its gone. So today I work, I come home, I workout, I push a bit harder again, because it feels good. ALL A WHILE THINKING ABOUT LETTING GO and opeing my heart. I push. I complete 20 min of weights and core, I come down stairs still super wound up, I had an abundance of energy after work and after my workout but not positive energy, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION its half the reason I pusher harder again today. So I go to shower and I start to cry, and my chest is tight and my muscles feel tight. I finished my shower with bloodshot cried eyes and I go to my fiance, ONE hug and I'm DONE. I cried for at least half and hour. Just sitting in the kitchen tears streaming down my face while watching Phil chop veggies.

And this is exactly what this post is all about.

I haven't been couch lazing and avoiding workouts because the workouts are hard. NO NO NO NO NO,... My subconscious mind KNEW this was all going to begin again. For me I release stagnant energy and energy blockages and SHIT by crying, It is just what my body knows to do with it. No I was avoiding working out because the AFTER IS HARD. Did you know emotion is stored in cells, YES so when you workout for the first times and work hard, those cells are going to change and fat cells are going to leave your body and your going to loose weight but those emotions that energy isn't going to leave with the fat cells, not it needs to leave your body it's OWN way, ANGER, SADNESS, FRUSTRATION, all of it. is going to come out. THAT is why moving forward is do damn hard. Because our cells change when we work on our conscious minds and our physical bodies.

Most people get into awareness books and start physical fitness and then REALIZE all your SHIT is going to come up and release and it sucks its hard its overwhelming. And a lot of people quit at that point, they think that diving into the conscious mind or the physical fitness of our temple bodies is easy. it will be bliss full and enlightening.
OH it is.
LATER.
after the work is done.
But the work is hard.

So from now until I work through it all I accept that every night after my workout, I'll cry my eyes out, I'll curl up in a ball and weep. Then when those emotions are gone, I might experience anger or frustration until that too is gone. But I'm IN all IN.  Bring on the tears

R

Letting GO and opening your heart

I have been in a transition phase for what feels like 6 years in the making. But I think the truth is I will always be in transition, at least as long as I keep learning, exploring my self and my spirit.

I have been working inside quite a bit again, some reading, some Qi Gong, some sitting and thinking and this is what I've come to. I damn well better start to let my light shine NOW because sitting back and waiting is not serving me and it sure as SHIT isn't serving the world.  And really isn't that why we are here? Are we not put in the world to show, help, shine, and teach? I think so! And frankly I have been beat down and shit on for the brightness of my light my whole life.  Jobs, bosses, friends, ex's, and even parents.  I was given a light this BRIGHT because no matter what or who thinks that it should have a filter or cover cannot dull the light that will inevitably be there.  Even myself, I get in my own way ALL the time.

What takes allowing your light to shine is this.  LET GO, let go of thinking you control how bright your light is. LET GO of thinking and analyzing whether you CAN do something or will or will not FAIL at something. LET GO of those people and experiences in the past who have hurt you. You know what, because you have already experienced them they cannot hurt you again unless you let them. SO get the hell out of your own way and out of your own head and let your light shine.  If you have been overweight and unsure about what others will think if you show up at the gym SCREW THEM your light will shine by showing them you're OK and your moving forward.

I have found that what happens when we start to make changes in our lives and in our thinking is it can make those closest to you VERY UNCOMFORTABLE simply because you are doing what they think they can't. But by doing those things, like changing your perspective on things, or letting go of crap we don't need any more or personally bettering yourself is the more you do it the more you inspire others to take the leap and do something great for them selves. So really by helping your self FIRST your actually helping others. That is why it is SO important to get our of your own way. Now you may be thinking BECK! Seriously you just said you need to do the same so how do you know?

Well yes, I have been holding myself back but this is not the first time I have been on this roller coaster, I have done this once before and what it has taught me is that NO MATTER WHAT even if its a little everyday or every week, its a practise, and once you stop the progress stops and the universe waits. It has waited for me to come back around to this place of enlightenment, because the universe gives second and third and forth and hundredth chances. Its like a big circle, if you are not ready and you miss your moment to shine or to change the universe offers it again and again and again and again until you either see it or continue to go in circles.

Some of you may have just has an AH HA moment, like wait I feel like Ive been going in circles for YEARS! Yes you probably have BUT now that you are aware of it, you will begin to look for that moment that gut feeling of NOW.

Trust your intuition even when it seems crazy, trust your self to make the right decision and trust that the universe is going to keep offering you opportunities to shine. Its our responsibility to get out of the way and our of our egos and head and let go, and SHINE.

Here are the lyrics to one of my favourite songs. Let your light shine by Keb Mo.

You say, 

You want to get over.
What are you gonna do?
Watch the world go by
In a corner of the room?
I know,
None of my business.
But there's something I need to say,
If you could see you
The way I see you
You'd start flying on your own.
Step aside and . . .
Refrain:
Let your light shine.
Let your love show
It's a short ride
Down the long road.
When the rains come
And the winds blow
Let your light shine
Wherever you go.
This world is ready and waiting
For you to break on through.
It's time to recognize,
To realize,
You're the only one like you.
Step on up,
Step into your greatness.
Don't be afraid.
There's a place where you will rise up to;
No one else could do what you do.
Get out of the way
Refrain
Get out of the way
Refrain - 2x

Songwriters: KEVIN MOORE, JENNY YATES

Rounding out 2016

Hey its been quite some time since I've posted. I see last was an angry rant from when my mother in law and sister in law to be were here and pissed me off.

I have recently revisited my blog, re-reading posts, analyzing where I was at, where I am at now, reflecting on my past.

I've been looking for my inner fire these past few months, you know that go get em attitude, that motivation that pushes past comfort. I am ready now to explore it again, but I seemed to have forgotten where I put it.   In the beginning of September I started on a search, I guess is the best way to put it, I started searching inward again. Having a look at my beliefs, my personal limits I've placed on my self, motivations, what keeps me sitting on the couch. And I think what I have realized is that basically I got lazy, I got comfortable, and I am starting to feel this is not who I want to be.

Overweight, tired, un-motivated, un-inspired and full of irrational fears. Yup, that is what happens when you stop doing the work. So now it's time. And one thing I have learned this past two months is when setting goals, intentions and manifesting your life, it is VERY important to manifest NOW. Yes that is correct, NOW. I discovered that what I was doing (barely) was saying things like "I am going to work out" or I am going to eat better" or I am going to start painting again" or things like "I want to start ...."

You get the point. But the problem with these statements is they are projected into the FUTURE. Once I realized that I started with "I am ready NOW to be strong. I am ready NOW to make smarter choices, I am ready NOW for creativity" I am finding for myself that I need all of these things together. Reading back I see I knew that, but seems I forgot.  In order to light my motivation fire, my creative fire I need to DO DO DO DO DO all of these things, because painting makes me feel good and working out makes me feel good and eating right makes me feel good.

I found a great photo of myself from back in the blog and realized that when I did look that great, I wasn't confident that I could 1. maintain it 2. own it 3. that is was really really good for me. I was simply doing what others told me to do. NOW in all my new 6 years older wisdom I see that I created my failure myself but not believing I deserved to look great. And by not believing it I created my own failure.

Now given my not believing I deserved to SHINE did not only come from inside my head. I am not one to pass the buck on things or place blame but I did grow up in a situation where frankly there was no more room for SHINY in our house. A certain family member took up all the room for being the most important one, and what this taught me was to be second. It taught me how to dull my light so that I didn't *what I thought* hurt peoples feelings, and I didn't make people feel less for me being awesome. It ingrained a belief that if I was thinner, successful, HAPPY and financially stable it proved them to be a failure.

I am still working through this one. I feel that because I have identified what happened and why I constantly stopped myself just short of success or when I did succeed I self sabotaged the efforts. And even reading back in my blogs, that photo of my super happy successful weight loss, I even mention that I am going to be visiting with family and I remember now that trip was what re-affirmed that I shouldn't be shiny. I remember the entire event.

Looking at it all now, I am ready to start again. Because I KNOW now what was holding me back and I KNOW now that I have every RIGHT to be as shiny as fuck. So with all these thoughts and blurbs on the page, I leave you with my old tagline.

Nothing works unless you work it. Peace out. R

Knowing Where you Stand.

It is amazing how hurtful and ultimately liberating it is to find out where you stand with people

Maya Angelou and Oprah said

“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.
~Maya Angelou

"Remember this because it will happen many times in your life. When people show you who they are the first time believe them. Not the 29th. time. When a man doesn't call you back the first time, when you are mistreated the first time, when someone shows you lack of integrity or dishonesty the first time, know that this will be followed many many other times, that will some point in life come back to haunt or hurt you. Live your life in truth. Don't pretend to be someone you're not. You will survive anything if you live your life from the point of view of truth.” ~ Oprah Winfrey.

It is so true, But it isn't always easy to believe, especially if you're like me and you want to believe people are good. You want to believe that someone couldn't possibly be that cruel towards another person.  But they can be, and unfortunately THOSE people, those ones you hope are just having a bad day when they shit on you, Can be your friends your family, your in laws or someone very close to you.  Let me enlighten you.  They are not always having a bad day, some people are just cruel. And you know what, you are a great person, and didn't deserve any sort of shit treatment.  

This experience has recently happened to me, by both my to be mother in law and sister in law.  They both had sharp snake tongues, which I didn't deserve and I held my tongue. I played the higher ground and I kept my cool, for my Man.  And I have done this for 5 years because I though just maybe they were having bad days.  NOPE,  straight up mean.  

So now, after their most recent performances of true colors, I fully understand, they slipped up you see. They actually showed me what they truly thought of m. I don't believe they intended to, most of these type of people intend to, but every now and then they get cocky and let their EGO get in the way and they slip up.  

But as I said at the very beginning of this post, it is oddly liberating that this has happened. Because now I KNOW where I stand and what they truly think of me.  I don't have to try ANYMORE for them to like me, or accept me, I know now this may never happen. SO now I get to be ME!

I have bitten my tongue and kept my words in my stomach all these times and now I don't have to.

I can assure you, next time these people think they can treat me like shit, they are going to get a rude awaking, Because they are going to see I don't care what they think of me any more, I don't need their approval, 

I am proud of myself for figureing this out, sure it took me this long, but I got there. I hope anyone who reads this will also have a liberating moment when they too realize it doesn't matter what others think of you.

It matters what you think of you. And if you have your integrity, and you can stand up for yourself, even eventually, your a better person than them.  My mother always said to me. "Would you ever, ever do something to someone that they just did or said to you?" My response would always be NO

"then your already a better person"

Sending Love Light and Joy !!

Always an Adventure!

So my life is always... always should I state it once more...ALWAYS an Adventure.  I'd like to say I am spontaneous and inert all at the same time. Yes Possible.

Anyhow quick re-cap before all the new news, in 2013 spring I lost it. I fell apart. I was defeated. I was broken. I slipped into a deep depression and had major insomnia and anxiety to name a few. I spent about 4 months in bed, just in bed, sleeping having a tub maybe some food and sleeping again, day in day out.  I don't recall much of this time as it was mostly sleeping. I ask Phil every now and then how we made it, how we got through and neither of us have much recollection of the time.

I ended up finishing my medial EI and starting my design business thinking I was ready, I dove into work and construction with great gusto. I thought I was better and that I would just shake the rest off. Well, as time over that summer passed I dreamt of space, more than my eye could see in the concrete jungle that I was living at the time. So one day I announced to Phil "what do you think of just taking what is in the bank and moving, getting the HELL out of Vancouver and away from this craziness?" very easy response "Sure, where are we going?" after approximately 20 min of naming cities and responding with NOPE, I had an idea "How about Kamloops, we have been there once, and my Uncle lives there?" Phil "Done!" And so within 30 days of that discussion we were packed and moved.

A very emotional move to say the least, I recall refusing to help with the boxes and just crying and letting all that had happened in the 8 years in that apartment just drain out of my tear ducts.  The relationships, the joy, the anger, the fears, the tears, the loneliness, everything that had come and gone in 8 years had to make its way out of me in 4 hours.

Long drive and lots in-between (this is the short version) we live in Kamloops, we get jobs we laugh about how crazy we are for up and moving like that, but the illness I had still hung over my head, I had not yet gained back the confidence I used to have. I still couldn't shake it off as I mentioned before. A year passes and I start to care again, I start to care about how people treat me, how people talk to me and I get angry again.  This is good, I wasn't angry or frankly anything for awhile. I found during depression that is your only feeling and emotion regardless of the situation it was all just too much, overwhelming and underwhelming all at the same time. Any other emotion I may have showed during that time was fake. I was just making nice.

So back to getting anger back, whoa did it come back. I had been working on a course The Artist Way. and I had only completed about 4 weeks  worth when the emotions started coming back.  Needless to say I quit my job that I was taking up space in and started the journey again, had just over two months off on EI, much of that was TV, writing, TV, reflecting, and silence.  My friends would call this time for me hibernating. I do this every now and then and it helps my process. Although it may not look like I am doing much to those very close to me who see me on a regular basis this inactive hibernating really helps.

The end of Feb 2015 comes along and I get a new job for a company selling mattress. I learn lots which is always good for me, I make connections, I learn more about me and come into my own a little bit more.

April came along and Phil proposed, of COURSE I said YES!!

I would say as of right now, right this instant, I am more the real me than ever before, and everyday it gets better. Everyday I move just that much more into myself and my true being.

And by the real me I mean my mindset, away from being fake, away from being in a deep depression,  away from being someone that everyone thinks I should be. Maybe that is age or just enlightenment.

Anyhow after all that updating I am here to say we are moving again. Phil has found an amazing Job in an amazing bakery in a tiny little town named Golden. So off we go, within a two week period yet again. Oh yes, I forgot to mention in all that last year business we moved from a basement suit to an apartment in a 3 week period too.

So we sort, clean, pack and move again.  Although I feel this move is significant, more so than even the one that got us out of Vancouver, this is THE BIG ONE, the one that is setting the stage for the rest of our lives, the rest of my life personally, for Phil and I as a couple, for Phil and I to move forward to create a family.

Anyhow, I am thinking I will work in a retail store again for a bit, part time, I might do my own business again, I feel I would be ready.

As for my physical health it is better than it has been, my mental health is way better than the past 3 years.

Excited!

I am very excited about introducing you all to my man and my best friend, Phil. 

Phil has set up his own blog and I am very proud and excited to share it all with you.

Phil's Blog

Please have a look, share and follow him on his journey as you have been following mine.

By the way I will be back to blogging soon. 

Great post

 SO I was going over my stats on my blog and saw that this particular post out of all the ones I have ever written got over 140 visit, I am wondering if this is the one that got my blog in places like Russia, yes, that is my top third place that reads or visits my blog. I've never been, and actually would love to hear back from some of these Russian people who apparently read my blog. Or for that matter, anyone who reads my blog, feedback would be great.

Anyhow on to the good stuff. So seeing that this is the top read post I have I thought I would read it over, (wow I was really in a good place here, need to get back to that) and it is a great post, so here is is again just because I need to see this again and maybe you do too!  Please enjoy



I am currently reading Dr Wayne Dyer (love him) The Power of Intention, learning to co-create your world your way. So this is a great book, I was hearing a lot about intention and acting and speaking with intention... these words stuck in my head but I really didn't understand what that meant to do these things. I think that I have posted about it earlier, but this book is great, it really gets down and explains what it means. So one of the greatest things about intention is that everything is created twice, first as a thought... so I started to acknowledge and listen to the thoughts that were CONSTANTLY running through my head... they were just silly, I was worrying about alllllll kinds of shit that had NOTHING to do with me. I was thinking about situations and problems that didn't even exist... what a waste of energy!

Not only was I thinking about usless shit, I was telling myself and surrounding myself with all kinds of horrible negative things. Hence it was the greatest thing to quit my job. Seriously..

Once I realized what my inner dialog was, I was able to know that if I could have these thoughts that I could just as easily have others... positive thoughts, thoughts of gratitude, love, kindness, creativity, beauty, abudance and expansion.

Being grateful for EVERYTHING, its all a gift, even if it sucks, we have all been there... something crappy has happened and at the time we are like SHIT>>> not cool.. but later sometimes even much later.. the thought comes to us ohhhhhhhhh I now see why the crappy thing happened.. and if it didn't I wouldn't be having this good thing happen now...

Being grateful for everything is just that. saying daily thanks for what the day has brought. you can thank God if that's what you want to call it, the universe, the source, the heavens, its all the same, its the higher energy that creates us with .. here it comes,, intention.... intention as explained in this book is like this... an apple seed is created with the intention to become a beautiful tree, which produces flowers, and more apples.. with more seeds full of intention to create more apples... the seed the tree nor the apple say... what do I do now? they don't say I'm not good enough to be the tree, the apple, the flower, it just knows.. we are all made from the same .... stuff,,, we are all created with intentions.

The way to tap into this is to do things like knowing that we are all connected, all of us, everything! what gets in the way is EGO.. ego says I am alone, I am different than you, I am not the same. YES YA ARE.. we are all souls and spirits... we are all part of a much much much --- larger abundant world.

I say thanks for things in my day that I would otherwise bitch about before, or never acknowledge... Like the rain or the wind, the sun coming through my window. the smile I received from the stranger. All of them are little blessings that should not go unacknowledged.

I am finding that with gratitude, I am able to practice the other things mentioned, Love, beauty, kindness, creativity, expansion, and abundance. actually is pretty easy once you learn gratitude, you then love everything because you know that its been brought to you because you are grateful for it, and then you find it beautiful, with that your creativity starts rolling, and when your on it like that your more likely to practice kindness to others, they cant piss you off your full of love beauty and creativity, with those ingredients brings expansion because you start to think outside the box, "wait I can do that, if I i don't know how now, I sure can learn how" constantly expand your limits.. then comes abundance... once you know you can learn and expand,, you also know that like your potential, everything in life is of abundance, like air... and space..

Light bulb... now its time to act on it... just reading about it, and thinking about it wont get it done, that the second creation,,, making it happen.... one step at a time if needed. I made a new rule in my life.. I must smile at EVERYONE I make eye contact with... funny how many people catch your eye. I smile all friggen day! whoop whoop

Nothing works unless you work it!

NEW AND EXCITING

This past month has been really exciting for me!

I have finally FINALLY started my own business. I have been wanting this for years and always had too much fear. But after what I have experienced when you don't follow your dreams, fear was the smallest on my list.

Check out my new website!

www.designinteriors.ca

Rebecca

A fresh start, from my perspective

This week signifies a fresh start for me, at least I think so. This past few months have probably been the most difficult that I have ever had to work through. I feel like I have come through the mud and put down the weight of the worlds worries and said that is it.

(this is my meditation Buddha, He is happy)

I am going to start off by saying 

I am so very grateful for having been through it, I have learnt about myself and others. I feel gratitude towards the universe for providing for me when I didn't know how I was going to make it.

I was on medical EI for the past 3 months and was off sick for the 2 months before that, basically since Feb I have not worked, at a job that is. I have worked very hard on myself though. I was in deep deep depression and was past my limit of stress. For the first two months I just slept, bathed, ate, slept repeat, at least 3-4 times a day.

But with plenty of rest, love and support, counselling, writing in a journal, some exercise, meditation and a strong personal Will to heal, I have come through.

For the last month and a half I have been feeling normal ish again, no deep sinking feeling, less anxiety, head above water type of feeling.

In the last two weeks I have been feeling great, each day is brighter and even if I do get low or feel overwhelmed or anxious I can manage those feelings now.

Now for the exciting part, as of Monday June 17th I will be starting my Interior Design business. I have made the decision that working for another company is not for me and I am going to pursue my dream of doing Interior Design as my own company.

I will be updating more often as I find writing out in a blog to an audience that may not even be there is soothing for me.

You get what you think about

"You get what you think about whether you want it or not! So be careful about what you think about."

This is why my calender said yesterday, My Dr. Wayne Dyer calender. I am definitely experiencing this right now, in both professional and personal parts of my life. Personally I need to remember this during the course of my day, remember not to get caught up in the whoop la of other peoples problems or gossip. And to remember that the body heals itself when you let it.

I took a few moments yesterday morning to just sit quietly and breath, five or six deep breaths with my eyes closed just focusing on my inner being. Feeling my toes, my legs, my fingers my heart. Feeling the oxygen go into all my cells, when I opened my eyes again I felt happy and calm, I was starting to get twitchy and speedy and I needed to stop for just a second. Sometimes we all get caught up in our heads thinking about the future the what ifs and really we just need to be present. Being present doesn't mean no thoughts and no planning it means be in that moment while it is happening. There are times in the day for future thoughts, and planning, journal time for example is a great to plan and dream.

If anything that is the best lesson I have taken away from all the coaching and training I have done over the past years, take the time to just stop, breath, focus and start again.

A pattern in my postings

I posted the other day about a couple things and this morning I was checking my stats, I really enjoy checking to see where in the world people are reading my blog, it is very cool to see Russia and all sorts of places show up on my stats. As I was checking I saw that this past week one post in particular was being read. It was one I did a few years back just after I changed jobs and such. So then I started to read more of my blog, I noticed that I tend to blog in January, March, July, September, October November and December. My biggest month for posting is September.

This makes sense though, My birthday is the end of September and right around middle of August and right though until after my birthday my my body and mind tends to give me little signals, time to change beck, time to look at the bigger picture here!

I really see my Birthday as a start to my new year. This year I get to start again BIG it is a milestone birthday a new decade. It is funny though because when I mention it too people that I will be 30 this year, the people older than me tell me its great (which is what I am thinking) and people younger some seem to be afraid. One of my childhood friends and I chatted since our birthdays are a day apart, I was saying too her I am excited to start fresh I am in a great place in my life and I feel it can only get better, she as scared and didn't seem to be happy about turning 30. It got me to wonder, does she feel like this because she is not happy with where she is in her life? Did she not accomplish what she had set out too do by this time? Or is she not happy because she doesn't know herself and is only basing her life and where she is on the views of society and where it thinks she should be by now?

For me, yeah I am happy with where I am at right now, I have the love of my life, Phil, I have a great job and promising career, (yeah I thought I would be running my own design firm by now but there seems to be another plan at hand for me and I am okay with that) I am not in the physical condition I thought I would be in considering my previous experience with my personal trainer a couple years back but whatever I am doing something about it now. I have a new trainer and he will help me get back on my feet. There will always be things in life to work on and improve, if we are not constantly tyring to improve and move forward than we are standing still waiting for life playing a victim.

R